ISLAMABAD (SatireWire.com) – The man who took down the twin towers wouldn’t take down the toilet seat, bring freedom to a clogged sink, or just once orchestrate an attack on a pile of dishes, according to interrogations of Osama bin Laden’s wives.
The three widows – known as Um Khalid, Um Hamza, and Amal al-Saddah – have been in Pakistani custody since last week and have been talking to investigators “non-stop” about the al Qaeda leader, although sources say they are not providing the information officials had hoped.
“We don’t know anything more about bin Laden’s network, his targets, or his strategy,” said the source. “But we do know he forgot anniversaries, didn’t help around the house, and spent most of his time living in the past.”
“With him it was always ‘9/11 this’ and ‘9/11 that’ and ‘Oh, did I mention my key role in 9/11?’” third wife Um Khalid told interrogators. “Honestly, it was like living with Rudy Giuliani.”
“Most days he’d just sit around coloring his beard, watching reruns of his own speeches,” added Amal al-Saddah, his fifth wife. “Every time he heard himself say, ‘Death to America,’ he’d take a shot of tequila.”
“Of course he kept confusing the TV remote for the remote detonator,” fourth wife Um Hamza chimed in. “Every time he changed channels, he blew up a car in Baghdad.”
And surprisingly for a man famed for moving from place to place, bin Laden apparently never stopped to ask directions.
“I swear that man had no sense of where he was, and of course he wouldn’t listen or ask for help,” said Um Khalid. “Sometimes he faced east and prayed to Tokyo fives times a day.”
“You know the phone numbers that were sewn into his jacket?” added Amal al-Saddah. “Those were our phone numbers. We put them there in case he got lost.”
“On his way to the bathroom. Five times a night,” said Um Hamza.
According to intelligence officials, the Pakistani government may now extradite the wives to the U.S., not because of U.S. pressure, but because they need an excuse to get rid of them.
“Basically we made a mistake in the beginning when we said, ‘Tell us about your husband,’” the source said. “From that point on they just wouldn’t stop complaining. After five days we said, ‘OK, you can leave,’ and they said, ‘Sit down. We’re not done.’”
The picture the women painted was of a frustrated, detached and jealous old man:
INTERROGATOR: Was your husband a terrorist?
UM KHALID: Of course. He was a man. Men are terrorists.
UM HAMZA: That’s a stupid question.
AMAL: Yes. Ask us if he was a good husband. He wasn’t.
UM HAMZA: Or a good lover. He was 6-foot-6 tall, but not exactly proportional, if you know what I mean.
AMAL: You try making love to a man wearing bombjamas.
INTERROGATOR: No but…
UM KHALID: And he was very jealous. All those suicide bombers? They weren’t fanatic volunteers. They were our ex-boyfriends.
AMAL: That’s why he wouldn’t let us go outside. I’d say, “But I just want to go shopping,”’ and he’d scream, “Liar! You want to have disgusting sex with some strange, wicked man.” I was like, “Yeah right, I can do that at home.”
UM KHALID: He wasn’t a man, he was a Neanderthal. Did you know he built a man cave in his actual cave?
INTERROGATOR: OK but…
AMAL: Let’s be fair girls, he did have his sensitive side.
UM KHALID: True. We had pet names for each other. I called him “Pooky Bear” and he called me “Human Shield.”
UM HAMZA: And remember how he cried during the royal wedding?
AMAL: He said it was a beautiful ceremony and they were a beautiful couple. He really wished he could have been there to blow it up.
INTERROGATOR: Did he plan to attack the royal…?
UM HAMZA: But mostly he was a pig. He never liked to cuddle.
UM KHALID: Except when he was being shot at. Then he was all over you.
UM HAMZA: He was clueless. He helped his son build a model airplane, then got upset when his son broke it. The man had no sense of irony whatsoever.
UM KHALID: Or sense of humor. His favorite joke in Afghanistan was “This place isn’t so Tora Boring.”
UM HAMZA: Likewise with “C’mon, this place isn’t so Abbottabad.” He demanded you laugh.
UM KHALID: He demanded all the time. Like insisting we wash the dishes in the blood of Zion.
INTERROGATOR: Yes but…
UM HAMZA: My imam called it Retired Terrorist Syndrome. You know, out of work, stuck at home all day. Nothing to explode.
AMAL: They treat you like subordinates, always giving orders. He’d say things like, “Amal, the microwave has refused my command. Destroy it!” Or “Amal, the sink is backed up. Cut its water supply!”
UM HAMZA: He used to kidnap the kebab delivery boy for ransom once a week. What was that about?
UM KHALID: We’d let him go. We’re not terrorists.
UM KHALID: OK, we’re not entirely innocent. You know the underwear bomb? That was Amal’s idea.
AMAL: If you had to wash that man’s underwear every day, you’d understand.
UM HAMZA: I’m surprised no one tracked him down before this, because believe me he left skid marks.
Copyright © 2011, SatireWire