LONDON (SatireWire.com) — Millions of crying, cheering, flag-waving Britons gathered in streets, pubs, and homes today to display the professed disinterest in the royal wedding that most had claimed to have before the event.
In survey after survey conducted before the marriage of Kate and Will, as many as four in five U.K. residents said they felt indifferent toward the wedding. Most said they had no plans to celebrate, rendering the estimated 1.5 million people on the streets, including more than 600,000 in Hyde Park, irrelevant.
“Most Brits are beyond all this hype now,” said Ollie Tyler, a 23-year-old shop clerk from north London as he stood in Hyde Park not watching giant TV screens showing Kate Middleton arriving at church. “I think we’ve moved on from the days where somehow royalty was seen as inherently bette… Oh my God, look at that dress!”
Near Westminster Abbey, Kevin Dornick said he came down from Coventry on Wednesday and spent two nights on the pavement “strictly by accident.” As for his outfit, he said, “Yes, I am wearing a Prince William mask, and I’m waving a flag, and I’m dressed like George III, but that’s just what I wear in the Capital.
“If I really wanted the royals’ attention, I’d let the them know that I couldn’t give a toss about them,” he added. “And the way I’d do that is, when the carriage goes past, I’d shout, ‘We love you Princess!’ Which I did.”
While many in the crowd were foreigners, most did appear to be British, an oddity that was explained by Fiona Green of east London. “I’m only outside today ‘cause it’s a bank holiday, innit?” said Green as music filled the Hyde Park air. “Me and mine we always come out and join a conga line wearing our Prince Harry wigs and our Union Jack faces and our Royal Cavalry jodhpurs on a bank holiday.”
The remarkable sense of apathy was also displayed in the skies. As William and Kate stood on the Buckingham Palace balcony — waving to crowds amongst whom only the foreigners were adoring — the Royal Air Force’s Battle of Britain Memorial Flight (BBMF) soared overhead.
“What, that? No, we were just flying over anyway,” R.A.F. Capt. James Hepperhorn explained later. “Just, you know, going in that direction. On this particular day. In our ceremonial World War II aircraft. With ‘Congratulations from all at the BBMF’ painted on our helmets.”
The ‘congratulations’ was for the weather, Hepperhorn explained, which was lovely.
Even the realm’s most imperturbable members were visibly indifferent toward the day. Sergeant Daniel McManus of the famously stoic Buckingham Palace guards stood his post, sternly holding a large “I Love U Kate!” sign. “Confiscated from the crowd,” McManus explained, staring straight ahead. “Matter of dignity.”
“She waved, by the way,” he added. “Kate. When she saw the sign. I’m just saying.”
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