NEW YORK (SatireWire.com) — Barack Obama was not born in Hawaii because his birth certificate does not exist as nothing can be proven to exist outside one’s self and therefore proof that a thing, such as a birth certificate, exists, is only possible to the person who perceives it exists, and even then it cannot be said to truly exist as the certificate itself exists outside the self and nothing exists outside the self, including President Obama himself, whose existence outside himself cannot be proven by anyone other than himself, so there, Donald Trump argued today.
The surprisingly complex position effectively puts an end to the debate over the President’s birth on the same day the President released his actual birth certificate, which, unfortunately for Obama, now cannot be proven to exist. It is a remarkable turnaround for Trump, who up until this point had come across as an idiot.
But in an interview with CNN’s Anderson Cooper, the real estate mogul was finally able to explain his seemingly moronic stance after being presented with incontrovertible evidence showing Obama was born in Hawaii.
COOPER: Mr. Trump, the President has released his certificate, and I’ve shown you solid proof that the President was born in Hawaii.
TRUMP: Anderson, all I can tell you is, my people believe otherwise. And by the way “my people” includes the blacks. I’m good with the blacks.
COOPER: But how can you believe otherwise despite the evidence?
TRUMP: What evidence? You say it’s evidence. Maybe I have different evidence. Or maybe the evidence doesn’t exist.
COOPER: The only way it doesn’t exist is if you’re a solipsist. Then you would argue nothing exists outside the self, and if it does, nothing can be known about it, and therefore by extension President Obama’s birth certificate, and even the President himself, does not exist. Is that what you’re saying?
TRUMP: I like that. Yes. That’s what I’m saying.
COOPER: Oh. OK. Because before this you just kinda sounded insane.
TRUMP: No more than you people are. And by ‘you people’ I mean prematurely gray people. I’m good with the grays.
News of Trump’s new stance came as a shock to the White House, where officials did not respond as they were busy accepting the fact that the White House, both as a physical structure and a political concept, were now outside the realm of the possible. The real estate mogul’s clarification also quickly caught fire in the media, which had often viewed Trump as a vapid, greedy, egomaniacal huckster one tanning session short of ‘Jersey Shore.’
“I misjudged Donald Trump. He is now clearly the Republican front-runner for president,” said MSNBC’s Rachel Maddow. “Here is a man who can appeal to intellectuals because of his ability to extemporize on pre-Socratic thought, yet at the same time appeal to birthers because he also just seems so… dumb.”
On NBC’s “Meet the Press,” host David Gregory referred to Trump as “Mr. President” because he couldn’t definitively prove he wasn’t, and admitted he was wrong to think of “The Apprentice” star as nothing more than a pompous, lying philanderer one midget short of P.T. Barnum.
Trump has not actually declared himself a candidate for president, but promised to make a decision by June, at which time he will make the announcement to himself in his mind. Hinting at the future, however, he said he expects his new-found erudition to scare away any potential Republican opponents.
“As I understand what I’ve been saying, each of us exists only in our own minds,” he said. “Well let me tell you I have a very big mind. It’s much bigger than what you are hearing; bigger than Mitt Romney’s or Mike Huckabee’s. And in my mind I should be president. In fact, I might already be. I haven’t told myself yet.”
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