WASHINGTON D.C. (SatireWire.com) – With three conflicts underway and the middle “free space” already marked, America is just one war away from Bingo, the Pentagon confirmed today.
Defense Secretary Robert Gates, however, strongly denied the Pentagon’s bingo card has ever influenced decisions on military intervention, and insisted the U.S. “never has and never will” play games with American and allied lives.
But if it did, Gates noted, the quickest route to victory would be on the diagonal, from upper left to bottom right, finishing with the square reading “Syria.”
The Defense Secretary added that the Pentagon’s bingo card dates back to his predecessor, Donald Rumsfeld, and is now only kept as a deterrent to the abuse of power.
“We keep it as a chilling reminder, and a warning to us all, of how cavalier a government can become about matters of life and death,” Gates explained. “And also because we’re only one spot away from winning. I mean, ‘ugh,’ right? One spot!”
“Not that we… you know… not that that matters,” he added.
Despite the denials, the disclosure angered human rights advocates and several American allies, including Great Britain, which has been involved in all three of the current military interventions.
“Plainly put, nobody told us there was bingo,” Prime Minister David Cameron told the House of Commons. “And while we of course abhor the idea, we also point out that we, by our involvement in these same conflicts, are also one space away from winning.”
Pentagon officials, however, quickly pointed out that British troops left Iraq in 2009 and therefore Great Britain has only two spaces, plus the free space, covered.
“Not… you know… not that that matters,” Gates said.
In Tripoli, Libyan leader Col. Muammar Gaddafi said he was not surprised the U.S. had “turned death and destruction into a stupid game,” but insisted the attack on his regime could not be used by America to eventually claim victory.
“America’s Bingo card is worthless and means nothing,” Gaddafi said. “Because I too have a Bingo card and it has ‘America’ in every square and I have already won many times over.”
“I did not even need to use the free space,” he added. “Look, I have all the advanced patterns too: the ‘T,’ the ‘Lucky 7,’ the ‘Railroad Tracks.’ Not so crazy now, am I?”
On a separate issue, Gates was asked why the U.S. Bingo card shows the nation of “Portugal” as marked off.
Said Gates: “That was… yeah… we just thought somebody said… it sounded like… you know, ‘Portugal’ and, um…”
Washington has officially apologized to what’s left of Lisbon.
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