CAIRO (SatireWire.com) – Pledging to help the Arab world take freedom “to the next level,” actor Charlie Sheen flew to the Middle East today with 650 tons of cocaine and 4,000 hookers.
“Take me to your porn stars!” Sheen declared as he arrived at Cairo International Airport and began tossing whippets and small bottles of tequila to bewildered Egyptians. “You’re free! You’re all free! Now let’s get naked!”
Sheen, currently on hiatus from his show Two and a Half Men after repeated problems with drugs and alcohol, said he was inspired to share his “expertise in self-expression” after watching protests in Egypt and Tunisia spill over into Yemen, Bahrain, Libya, and Iran.
“What I realized was, the Arabs want what I have,” said Sheen as he threw back a flaming glass of whiskey and a handful of E-bombs. “I’m free to do what I want to do, and they want to be free to do what they want to do.”
“Actually, I’m not sure that’s what we want to be free to do,” said 26-year-old Asaam Najeri, a local taxi driver attracted by Sheen’s sudden appearance.
“Nonsense,” Sheen replied. “Everybody wants this. You just have to know how when to say ‘When.’”
“And when is that?” Najeri asked.
“I have no idea,” Sheen answered. “But let’s get two strippers and a crate of vodka in here and find out!”
Sheen’s arrival surprised his hosts, who tried to temper his enthusiasm, particularly after his entourage built an enormous pyramid of cocaine bricks on the plains of Giza.
“I thank you for your interest, but we have different needs here,” said Egyptian opposition leader Mohammed ElBaradei, who met with the actor. “I’m afraid they don’t involve prostitutes and snow men.”
“Snowballs,” Sheen corrected.
“As you say,” ElBaradei continued. “But perhaps you should fly back home now. I suspect you will not even need an airplane.”
The Hollywood bad boy, however, refused to be dissuaded.
“When you have freedom, you have to take advantage of it,” said Sheen. “You have to be willing to fight for it, to die for it, or, in my case, to suffer severe abdominal cramps and nasal bleeding for it.”
After making an impromptu speech in Cairo’s Tahrir Square, where he encouraged Egyptians to “lift the crack pipe of freedom and inhale the dragon of liberty,” Sheen boarded a private plane for Libya, where many protesters have been beaten and imprisoned.
“I can relate to those people ‘cause that’s happened to me too,” he said, taking a martini from a flight attendant dressed as a Lady Gaga. “I was imprisoned for my beliefs. I think. Or hospitalized. Maybe I was hospitalized. I’m not in the hospital now am I? I haven’t slept since January.”
As he flew over western Egypt, where he asked for – and was denied — permission to snort the Sahara Desert, Sheen declared himself the world’s foremost authority on free will and vowed to teach all 360 million Arabs how to extend their boundaries. To begin, he intends to work with North African movie producers to film three high-caliber porn movies: “King Slut’s Tomb,” “Wam Bam Afghanistan,” and “The Cheeks of Arabi.”
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