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BIPARTISAN DATES: THE MORNING AFTER

WASHINGTON D.C. (SatireWire.com) – They went together, as bipartisan dates, to President Obama’s State of the Union address. It didn’t always work out, but at least one happy pair saw the sunrise together. We sat down with nine couples on the morning after.


Sen. Saxby Chambliss (R-GA)  and Sen. Al Franken (D-MN)

Sens. Saxby Chambliss and Al Franken

FRANKEN: I never thought much of that cliché, that opposites attract. I mean Saxby and I, we’re like from two different planets. And yet… after the speech we went for coffee, and I’m going on and on about deficit reduction and business tax waivers and the impact of trade on the GDP, and he’s just doodling. Literally doodling. The whole time. After a while I said, “Are you even listening to me?” And you know what he does? He slides a copy of the President’s speech over to me, and he’s drawn a big heart with “AF + SC” inside it. I mean… men. Honestly.

CHAMBLISS: Yeah we’re opposites I guess. Franken’s all brains and facts and intellect and I don’t know what he’s talking about half the time. But it tingles me. It does. Tell you what, after last night, he’s turned me into a proponent of cap-n-trade, although it means something else with him (blushing).


Sen. John McCain (R-AZ) and Sen. John Kerry (D-MA)

Sens. John Kerry and John McCain

MCCAIN: It was awkward at first. Kerry was shy and a little stiff…

KERRY: Don’t be vulgar. I hate it when you’re vulgar.

MCCAIN: Sorry. That’s not what I meant. Anyway, we’re watching the speech, chatting a bit, flirting a bit…

KERRY: With Lieberman.

MCCAIN: I didn’t say two words to Joe Lieberman. I told you, we’re just work colleagues.

KERRY: Right.

MCCAIN: Anyway, really I was just waiting for my chance to work my maverick. So I wait for the President to say something “romantic,” then I make my move. But no. Denied! His border security’s pretty tight, I can tell you that.

KERRY: Romantic? When the President said we are “bound together as one people,” McCain whispered in my ear, “Hey, that sounds good. You into that?” I just looked straight ahead the rest of the night.


Rep. Jim Clyburn (D-SC) and Rep. Jeb Hensarling (R-TX)

Reps. Jeb Hensarling and Jim Clyburn

HENSARLING: I think for me the attraction was the taboo aspect, the black-white thing. I mean, Clyburn’s African American and I’m so white my name is Jeb. We were nervous about it. But there was a point when we both looked up there at the President and Jim turned to me and said, ‘You know, he’s the product of black and white love, and he’s beautiful.’ And then his hand just slipped into mine. It felt natural.

CLYBURN (Laughing): Hee hee. Yeah, that line works every time. I mean every time. It’s worked on Franken three times this month! That dude has some serious white guilt issues or something. All the better for me. Especially ‘cause he always makes me breakfast in the morning. Mmmm… the man can cook some eggs, lemme tell you.


Debbie Wasserman Schultz (D-FL) and Rep. John Culberson (D-TX)

Reps. Debbie Wasserman Schultz and John Culberson

WASSERMAN SCHULTZ: I’m from Florida now, but I was born in New York. That means you don’t mess with me. Culberson, he tried to mess with me. We’re sitting there, listening to Obama, and the next thing I know he starts nibbling on my ear! I’m trying to push him away. I say, “Yo, back off Texas boy, the President just said he wants to ban earmarks!” and he says, “How ‘bout ear-hickeys?”

CULBERSON: Representative John Culberson-Wasserman-Schultz. Representative Debbie Wasserman- Schultz-Culberson. Representative John Debbie Culberwasserschultz… Sorry. What were you asking?


Rep. Anthony Weiner (D-NY) and Rep. Peter King (R-NY)

Anthony Weiner (left) and Peter King

KING: I didn’t want to sit with this pinko Wiener, everybody knows that. But the papers would’ve made me out to be some kinda jerk if I refused. So I went. And we sat. And we talked. And later, yeah, we talked some more. Till sunrise. And, OK, you want me to say it? Fine. I’ll say it. I love Weiner! There.

WEINER: People were shocked to learn we were going together. Ideologically we are different, yes. But etymologically, we’re the same. My name’s Weiner. His name’s Peter. Kismet.


Sens. Marco Rubio and Bill Nelson

Sen. Marco Rubio (R-FL) and Sen. Bill Nelson (D-FL)

RUBIO: I don’t waste a lot of time. I get right to the point. Five minutes into Obama’s speech I turn to Nelson and say, “You think he’ll talk about the stimulus package?” and Nelson says, “I don’t know, why?” and I say, “’Cause I got your stimulus package right here.”

NELSON: We left early.


Rep. Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) and Rep. Roscoe Bartlett (R-MD)

Roscoe Bartlett and Nancy Pelosi

PELOSI: I don’t usually go for older… gentlemen, but lately things haven’t gone so well for me so…  beggars and choosers, as they say. Roscoe is 84 and he’s, well, he’s not exactly (tiger noise) Paul Ryan (R-WI). But after the speech I invited him up to my chambers and we gave it a go. But his infrastructure, like America’s, kept crumbling. It’s just not my year.

BARTLETT: Wait, you’re in Congress? When did we starting letting women in Congress?


Sen. Mark Udall (D-CO) and Sen. Jim DeMint (R-SC)

Sens. Mark Udall and Jim DeMint

UDALL: You-doll. DeMint kept calling me, “You-doll.” It was cute at first. You know, “Hi there You-doll” and “Sit next to me You-doll” and “Oh You-doll, where have you been all my legislative life?” But I’m not just a doll. I’m not just some adorable plaything. I’m a U.S. Senator!

DEMINT: You’re a U.S. doll.

UDALL: Stop saying that!


Rep. Kevin McCarthy (R-CA) and Rep. Steny Hoyer (D-MD)

Reps. Tom McCarthy (left) and Steny Hoyer.

HOYER: I’m partisan. I’ve always been partisan. I’m proud of that.

MCCARTHY: Same here. Always been a partisan. Straight ticket. Straight straight straight.

HOYER: Some folks stray, but not me.

MCCARTHY: Me neither. Always gone down the one true path.

HOYER: The bottom line is, despite what people are saying about me and Kevin in the Reflecting Pool last night, we are not, you know…

MCCARTHY: Bipartisan. We are absolutely not bipartisan.

HOYER: No. Not at all bi.

MCCARTHY: Partisan.

HOYER: Right. Bipartisan. So…

MCCARTHY: So that’s it. …

HOYER: So good. We’re done here. Oh, Kevin — that is, Congressman McCarthy — call me OK? About that “thing.”

MCCARTHY: Oh right. Yes. The “thing.” I will. So, bye.

HOYER: No, not bi.

MCCARTHY: I was saying goodbye.

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