WASHINGTON, D.C. (SatireWire.com) – The United States formally apologized to China today for the behavior of Vice President Joe Biden, who spent nearly an hour prior to Wednesday’s state dinner trying to make President Hu Jintao take part in a “Hu’s on first” routine.
China has reportedly accepted the apology and asked that the Biden please not attempt further contact with Hu or any members of the delegation for the remainder of the Chinese President’s stay.
The Chinese Human Rights Defenders network, which has long sought sanctions against the Communist nation, initially opposed the apology, saying it is China that should beg forgiveness for years of human rights abuses. After reading a transcript of the Biden conversation, however, the CHRD released a statement reading, “Oh. Right. Never mind.”
A partial transcript of the conversation, in which Hu speaks through his personal translator, Wi Jin, is below:
TRANSLATOR: Mr. Vice President, may I introduce President Hu.
BIDEN: Ha. That’s funny.
TRANSLATOR: President Hu wishes to know what is funny.
BIDEN: Your name, Mr. President. You’re Hu.
TRANSLATOR: Yes that is correct. President Hu wishes to know why this is funny please.
BIDEN: Well it’s like, ‘Who? President Who?’
TRANSLATOR: The President now wishes to know why you keep saying his name.
BIDEN: Because it’s… oh c’mon. Is he pulling my leg?
TRANSLATOR: The President says he has not touched you in an inappropriate way.
BIDEN: No I mean ‘Who.’ Like he’s President Who? Like we don’t know his name.
TRANSLATOR: The President says he will write it down for you if you are having difficulty remembering.
BIDEN: No no. See, there’s this comedy routine in our country. “Who’s on First.” Right? Ask him if he knows “Who’s on First.”
TRANSLATOR: The President says he believes President Obama will speak first and he will speak afterward, as is protocol.
BIDEN: No no. The routine is called “Who’s on First.” Abbott and Costello? They’re like, “Who’s on first? I don’t know.”
TRANSLATOR: The President says he has already told you who is going to speak first, and asks if you will also be speaking so that he may know when to excuse himself.
BIDEN: God, seriously? “Who’s on First?” I mean, who doesn’t know this?
TRANSLATOR: The President again says he does know this, that he knows who will speak first and he has explained that he knows this and he has asked me if you are in fact a real vice president.
BIDEN: Alright look, let’s start over. How can I…? OK, Mr. President, ask me my name.
TRANSLATOR: The President says he believes you are Vice President Biden, but is perhaps now not so sure.
BIDEN: No no, I know I’m Vice President Biden. But let’s say for the sake of argument I’m not.
TRANSLATOR: The President says he does not wish to argue with you and adds that if you were not Vice President, he does not believe anyone else would argue either.
BIDEN: Man, I’m gonna make him get this. Just, look, just have him ask my name.
TRANSLATOR: The President is now extremely concerned that you are not a vice president but he asks your name because it will look suspicious if he runs away from you at this point.
BIDEN: Good. My name. I’m Vice President Hu.
TRANSLATOR: The President says he does not like to believe this is your name as it would imply you are somehow related.
BIDEN: No no, I say “I’m Vice President Hu,” then he says, “Who is Vice President?” Tell him to say that: “Who is Vice President?”
TRANSLATOR: President Hu says respectfully that Hu is President, not Vice President, and so cannot pretend to be something he is not. Unlike yourself, he adds.
BIDEN: No no, it’s the routine. See, he asks, “Who is Vice President?” and I say, “Yes,” and he says, “I don’t know, tell me who,” and I say “I already told you — Hu!” Classic.
TRANSLATOR: I do not wish to translate this so I have told the President that you are ill.
BIDEN: Just… look, this is important for Chinese-American relations. He wants to understand America, he’s gotta understand “Who’s on First.”
TRANSLATOR: The President says, again, that Mr. Obama is speaking first and wishes to know if he may summon a doctor for you.
BIDEN: I don’t need a doctor. Man, how can I get through to get through to him?
TRANSLATOR: The President warns you not to attempt to get ‘through to him’ and has given a secret signal to his security team making them aware of your threat.
BIDEN: No no listen. Just… try one more time. Who’s on First?
TRANSLATOR: No, the President has told you, Hu is on second.
BIDEN: Yes! That’s right!
TRANSLATOR: He is pleased that you agree.
BIDEN: Who agrees.
TRANSLATOR: Yes. Hu agrees.
BIDEN: Now you’re gettin’ it! OK, what’s the name of your vice president?
TRANSLATOR: The Vice President is Xi Jinping.
BIDEN: She Gin-Ping? Really? That’s hilarious. So she is Vice President?
TRANSLATOR: Yes, Xi is Vice President.
BIDEN: OK, but… (laughter) … who is she?
TRANSLATOR: The President says he has already told you that Xi is Vice President and he also is wondering why Mr. Obama has allowed you to speak to him.
BIDEN: (laughter) This is great. So, she is vice president, and who is president.
TRANSLATOR: I will not bother to translate this, but yes.
BIDEN: She’s vice president, and who is president.
TRANSLATOR: The President wishes you to back away slowly.
BIDEN: Not now, we’re just getting going baby! OK, who’s the President. You haven’t told me who he is!
TRANSLATOR: The President says He is a member of the Politburo Standing Committee and wishes to know why you ask about him.
BIDEN: Wait… he?
TRANSLATOR: Yes. He Guoqiang.
BIDEN: He Gwo Kyang.
TRANSLATOR: Close enough.
BIDEN: Who is he?
TRANSLATOR: No. Hu is President. He is a member of the ruling committee.
BIDEN: Ha! (laughter) That’s what I’m talkin’ about! OK, so who is president, she is vice president, and he is in the politburo.
TRANSLATOR: The President says this is correct and is now concerned that he is agreeing with a madman.
BIDEN: How can it be correct? You… (laughter) … You haven’t told me who who is and she is and he is!
TRANSLATOR: A moment please.
BIDEN: Sure, sure. (laughter) Oh man this is great stuff. Great stuff…
TRANSLATOR: The President wishes to ask about the health of your President Obama.
BIDEN: His health? It’s fine. Why?
TRANSLATOR: As the President understands American democracy, you are next in line to be president. He says this is now of great concern to him.
BIDEN: Well he shouldn’t worry about… oh, ha, I get it! “great concern to Him!” OK, I’ll bite. Who is Him? Or is Him He? Cause I don’t think She is! (disproportionate laughter).
PRESIDENT AND TRANSLATOR LEAVE
BIDEN: Hey wait wait... now you say, “I don’t know. Third base!” (wholly unwarranted laughter)
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