WASHINGTON, D.C. (SatireWire.com) – Nearly 235 years after moving out in a massive row, the United States has asked to move back in with Britain “temporarily,” until it can get out of debt and back on its feet.
The former colony, which is $14 trillion in the red, “just needs to retrench” following a few bad years and hopes living with its parents will help it save up some money to get a new start.
Britain, however, has yet to agree, explaining that it has its own financial problems and has nowhere to put America, as the Leeward Islands moved back in just last week. In a phone call with the U.S. earlier today, Queen Elizabeth was initially unsympathetic to her former charge’s plight.
“Hmm, if we recall, you’re the one who wanted to move out. You’re the one who wanted to be all ‘independent,’” said the Queen. “What was it you kept shouting? ‘Give me liberty or give me death?’ Oh. Oh my God. What happened? Did you die?”
“Hey c’mon, why do you have to make this so hard?” President Barack Obama reportedly pleaded on behalf of his nation. “Look, we can stay in the basement. You won’t even know we’re there.”
“No, of course not. After all, you’re such a calm, quiet, peaceful child,” the Queen remarked, rolling her eyes.
“It’ll just be for a couple of months. Or maybe years. Five at most,” Obama continued. “We’ll come up with an exit strategy and everything.”
“Yes that’s comforting,” the Queen replied. “Because your previous ones have been so accurate.”
The U.S. is not the only twohundredsomething nation hoping to start over and return to the old homestead. The global recession has been hard on former colonies, so-called “Boomerang Countries” that have returned to the parental hand they once cast off. The reasons are not always financial. Heartbroken Sudan, which recently split up with itself, has asked to move back in with the U.K. to clear its head. Britain has also agreed to welcome Somalia, which has often found itself in trouble with international law, on the stipulation that it observes a curfew and stops hanging around with Rwanda.
Elsewhere, volatile Montserrat, in the Caribbean, is living in France’s attic, bankrupt Iceland is going to night school for finance while staving off creditors in Denmark, and the Democratic Republic of the Congo, which left Belgium in a huff after becoming prematurely pregnant with the possibility of independence in 1960, is, for now, back home in Europe.
While the financial and emotional advantages can be significant, prodigal nations that return often suffer in small ways. Since moving back in with the Netherlands last year, Myanmar and Suriname had to agree to go by their childhood monikers after being told, “I don’t care what you call yourselves, you’ll go by your given names, Burma and Dutch Guiana.”
It is human nature, say geopolitical family therapists, for Mom and Dad to treat their own as the children they once were. Flash points on borrowing the car or bed time are inevitable. Only last week, Paraguay left Spain for the second time. The first was in 1811 after a fight over independence. The second, on Friday, was an argument over the TV clicker.
Loss of self-esteem is another issue, one particularly noticeable for the U.S. which, at 235, is not exactly 17 anymore. Proud, impatient and arrogant, America had to swallow its pride to ask the U.K. for a place to live, and it has heard the taunts from former colonial siblings like India and Australia. Among them: “Land of the Free, Home of the Momma’s Boy,” and, “E Pluribus Mooch Off Em.”
For now, however, America and Britain continue to struggle with the decision. Following their phone conversation, the U.S. reportedly apologized to Britain for leaving, and Her Majesty softened, particularly after America agreed to pay rent, stop getting into fights, and walk her Corgis 10 times a day. The U.S. also promised to cut down on its spending and “speak proper English,” at least around the house.
However, the Queen’s husband, Prince Philip, has told reporters he is against America’s move.
“They have black people, so… No,” he said.
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