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HOUSE TO READ ‘HARRY POTTER’ NEXT, THEN ‘VAGINA MONOLOGUES’

WASHINGTON, D.C. (SatireWire.com) – Exhilarated and inspired after reading the U.S. Constitution aloud on Thursday, the House of Representatives voted to recite the full Harry Potter series next, followed by The Vagina Monologues.

Speaker John Boehner reacts to a passage from Harry Potter in which Harry’s parents are killed.

“The Constitution was great, but it’s kind of short so not everyone got to read,” said House Majority leader Eric Cantor, one of 135 members who read aloud from the nation’s groundbreaking charter. “And since we didn’t plan to agree on anything this term anyway, we decided we could just continue reading to each other to pass the time.”

“Reading to Congressmen is like reading to children,” added House Sergeant at Arms Bill Livingood. “It’s good for their development. It creates important bonding time. And it shuts them up for a while.”

While the Constitution reading lasted about two hours, House members conceded that reciting novels and full-length plays will take up most of the winter session. But it does allow them to play on their strengths, explained Rep. Bob Goodlatte (R-VA.), who organized the Constitution event.

“Today we read the entire Constitution — well, except for the scary slavery parts – and what we learned is these guys were good writers,” said Goodlatte. “We’re not. Honestly, have you read the text of the health care bill? But we do like speaking in public, so we’ll do what we do best.”

As they did with the Constitution, both Republicans and Democrats will take turns reading aloud, although some members will get preferential treatment. House Speaker John Boehner, for instance, will not have to read any sad parts.

On Friday members voted on which books to recite after excerpts from numerous contenders were read on the floor. Censured Rep. Charles Rangel, (D-NY), read from The Fugitive, (which was accepted), Rep. Dennis Kucinich, (D-OH), recited a chapter from the The Martian Chronicles, (accepted), and Rep. Michelle Bachmann, (R-MN), read from Goodnight Moon, (rejected).

Reps. Goodlatte (left) and Hoyer admit they will use their reading to woo female voters.

Eve Ensler’s play The Vagina Monologues was a surprise. The production is a funny, poignant and moving collection of monologues having to do with the vagina, and was meant to be performed by women. However, it was the bipartisan duet of Goodlatte and House Minority Whip Steny Hoyer (D-Md.) who won the audience over with an excerpt from a monolgue called, “My Angry Vagina.”

Cantor: “You’ve got to convince my vagina, seduce my vagina, engage my vagina’s trust. That really speaks to me.”

Hoyer: “If my vagina could talk, it would talk about itself, like me. It would talk about other vaginas. It would do vagina impressions.”

“I think we’re really going to get to know each other better than we ever thought,” said former speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) following Hoyer’s reading. “Boehner hugged me afterward. He had tears in his eyes, and kept saying, ‘Now I understand. Now I understand.’ We’re getting our nails done together on Wednesday.”

Following Harry Potter and The Vagina Monologues, Goodlatte said the House will read Catcher in the Rye, The Satanic Verses, and Huckleberry Finn. “But not the scary slavery parts,” he added.

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