WASHINGTON, D.C. (SatireWire.com) – President Obama was pantsed Tuesday by freshmen House Republicans as part of the time-honored scavenger hunt that marks the end of initiation week for new GOP representatives.
“We’re taking Obama down, starting with his pants!” tweeted incoming Rep. Adam Kinzinger of Illinois, one of the GOP pledges sent on the mission.
Obama, just returned from vacation and only a day before the new Congress convenes, was one of several victims of the biennial hunt, in which the incoming class is required to undertake a variety of tasks and challenges. Other targets included Supreme Court Justice Sonia Sotomayor, who was taunted until she gave the freshmen a pair of panties, and the city’s resident alien population, who were turned in to immigration authorities. After the hunt, the 87 new members were reportedly paddled by Newt Gringrich, then cemented their sacred bond by eating an endangered manatee and drinking from a goblet filled with John Boehner’s tears.
But it was the pantsing of the President that garnered most of the attention.
Witnesses say the President was walking across the South Lawn in the early evening when Kinzinger, along with classmates Kevin Yoder of Kansas and Reid Ribble of Wisconsin, jumped out of the bushes and pulled Obama’s trousers around his ankles. The President reportedly offered to compromise by pantsing himself, but the pranksters said they were under strict orders not to work with the administration. A fourth Representative, Ann Marie Buerkle of New York, snapped a photo with her iPhone and immediately posted it on Facebook as proof they had accomplished the task.
“OMG we pantsed the Prez!” Buerkle posted on Twitter. “Gamma Omega Phi rules!”
The White House refused to comment on the incident, or on the condition of Press Secretary Robert Gibbs, who was found duct-taped to his podium wearing an Ann Coulter mask. House Democrats, however, said the acts “bordered on hazing” and threatened to have the GOP House charter pulled.
Incoming Speaker Boehner refused to acknowledge the existence of any ceremonies while at the same time declaring the initiation pranks a long-held tradition.
“Honestly, people should quit whining,” said Boehner. “When I was a freshman in ’92, I had to go skinny dipping with (former House Speaker) Tip O’Neill. And I did. I’m not proud of it, but I did.”
Boehner cites the memory as the motivation for his Speakership ambitions, and his random crying fits.
According to sources, the 87 new members were given a long list of challenges late Tuesday, with the goal of collecting points for each task achieved (see list below). The points varied depending on the difficulty of the task. Taking down the President’s pants, for example, was worth 100 points, while treeing an atheist or a Prius owner (literally chasing them up a tree) was worth five. Getting a $5,000 donation from an oil company (1 point), and turning in potential illegal aliens (3-5 points each), were deemed to be the easiest tasks, while the most difficult missions were photographing Barney Frank and Rachel Maddow kissing (200 points), actually reading a Sarah Palin book (500 points), and finding Barack Obama’s Kenyan birth certificate (5,000 points). The winner, not known at press time, will become president of the freshman class.
At least one Republican pledge, however, was not entirely pleased with the point system. Hispanic incomer Francisco “Quico” Canseco of Texas said it was irresponsible to award points for the roundup of illegal aliens.
“I love my Republican brothers and sisters, but I think it is wrong to target one group for harassment, and therefore I refused to take part,” Canseco said. “So I treed a bunch of atheist vegans instead. One of ‘em was a gay union member. That’s 20 points.
“Kaching!” Canseco added.
Republicans in the more conservative Senate, meanwhile, held a traditional Satanic ritual for their new members. This year’s Dark Master of Ceremonies was, once again, Karl Rove.
Below is a list, obtained anonymously, of the tasks for the House Republican Class of 2011 Scavenger Hunt. [Point value in brackets]:
- Take down President Obama(‘s pants) 
- Panties from a Supreme Court justice. (Not Scalia!) 
- Memorize U.S. Constitution. 
- Find and turn in at least five illegal aliens (5 points each up to 100 aliens; 3 points each if they turn out to be legal)
- Photograph Barney Frank kissing Rachel Maddow. 
- Actually read Sarah Palin’s book. 
- Glenn Beck’s autograph 
- Find Nancy Pelosi, make her drink bottle of John Boehner’s tears 
- Get a $5,000 contribution from an oil or gas company. 
- Find five homeless veterans and tell them they don’t exist (no video evidence please) 
- Take a confession from a homosexual. 
- List all the Muslims in your constituency and give that list to police. 
- Find Obama’s Kenyan birth certificate. [5,000]
- Rent limo for welfare recipient, then photograph it. 
- Introduce bill banning San Francisco. 
- Reduce deficit by magic (ask Christine O’Donnell for help) [200 points if it works; 2 points if not]
- Convince 20 people George W. Bush was actually a Democrat 
- Tree a person with one of these traits [5 points each; must provide video evidence of treeing]:
- Tree hugger
- Prius owner
- Union member
- Opposed to offshore drilling
- Wearing Che Guevara T-shirt
[NOTE: Tree one person with all 13 traits, jackpot! 1,000 points]
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