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FACEBOOK SURPASSES MASTURBATION

PALO ALTO, CAL. (SatireWire.com) – In yet another sign of its growing dominance, Facebook today announced it has surpassed masturbation as the world’s most popular way to kill 10 minutes.

In response, Twitter claimed it has surpassed premature ejaculation as the most disappointing way to spend 5 seconds.

Facebook’s claim comes on the heels of new studies estimating that humans squander, on average, an estimated 650 billion minutes a month masturbating. Facebook users, by comparison, idle away more than 700 billion minutes a month on the social networking giant, said company spokeswoman Gina LaBrega.

“While our goals are the same, if you look at the numbers, our users spend more time on our service than most people spend on their own… service,” LaBrega said. “Of course we have 99 percent up-time, which masturbation can’t match.”

The comparison, however, has angered some religious groups.

“This is an entirely inappropriate benchmark,” said Christine Reed, head of Keep Your Hands Up, a pro-life, anti-onanist group. “We should not compare anything to acts of mindless, potentially addictive self-gratification that result in the wasteful destruction of what could have been a life.

“And I could say the same thing about masturbation,” she added.

The news coincides with the naming of Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg as Time magazine’s “Person of the Year.” LaBrega called the timing a coincidence, but industry observers speculate it may be part of Facebook’s long-rumored goal of supplanting masturbation itself as the ultimate distraction.

“First there’s the Time cover, the way you can only see Zuckerberg’s face, not his hands, and he’s just staring off into space,” said TechCrunch editor Nelson Schable. “I think we all know that look. Or we’re lying if we say we don’t.”

Then there is the onanistic terminology Facebook uses, Schable continued. “Some of it’s obvious, like how you can ‘tag yourself’ in photos, or ‘post your news on the wall.’ And look at Farmville, at some of the ribbons you try to win. I mean, ‘Knock on Wood?’ ‘Cream of the Crop?’ ‘Lord of the Plow?’ ‘Need for Seed?’

“Seriously? ‘Need for Seed?’ C’mon,” he added.

LaBrega insisted that Facebook does not claim to be an alternative to masturbation, although she did concede that staring at your computer all day can make you go blind.

In another response to Facebook’s claim, business networking site LinkedIn refused to make comparisons, but noted its CEO is named Jeff Weiner.

Copyright © 2010, SatireWire

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