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Thursday October 30th 2014    Become a Fan on Facebook   Follow Us On Twitter

WIKILEAKS RELEASES BOEHNER’S NETFLIX ACCOUNT

WASHINGTON, D.C. (SatireWire.com) — Just days after his tearful 60 Minutes interview, a visibly upset House Minority Leader John Boehner today announced WikiLeaks has published details of his private Netflix account showing “Terms of Endearment” has still not shipped, despite him sending back “Something About Joey” nearly a month ago.

The Capitol Building has already been renovated to accommodate the emotional incoming Speaker (inset)

Surrounded by supportive colleagues, Boehner could barely speak as he haltingly discussed WikiLeaks release of sensitive material, and the heart-rending scene in which a dying Joey is given his brother’s trophy.

“WikiLeaks has made America vulnerable, just like cancer made Joey vulnerable, just like the goodbye scene in ‘Free Willy’ makes me vulnerable,” said Boehner, expected to take over as Speaker of a very emotional House in January. “When that kid… when he and the whale have to… to say goodbye… oh God give me a minute.”

After composing himself, the Ohio Republican vowed to crack down on WikiLeaks as soon as he sorted out his Netflix queue, which he described as a very important part of his life.

“I used to go to the movies. I can’t even go to theaters anymore. It’s the stories. ‘Sophie’s Choice.’ ‘Bambi.’ All these people chasing the American dream. Netflix brings those to me,” he sobbed, eventually burying his head into the shoulder of House Minority Whip Eric Cantor.

Boehner’s lachrymose side has been on display since the election, and most notably on Sunday when he broke into tears twice during an interview with CBS’ 60 Minutes. Democrats have begun to question his stability, but Republicans are standing behind their leader — often with tissues at the ready — saying his methods have already proven effective.

At the White House, President Obama agreed, revealing that his recent compromise with Republicans was primarily an effort to placate Boehner, who “fell apart” during a meeting in which the President said he wanted to raises taxes on the wealthiest Americans.

“My first mistake was going to the Republican Caucus on a Thursday, which, I learned, is chick-flick night,” Obama recalled. “So they’re all an emotional mess by the time I get there. Then as soon as I mention taxes, Boehner says we’ll be hurting small business, people who chase the American dream, like he did, like George Bailey did, and that was it. He just lost it.”

Witnesses say other GOP leaders lit into Obama, calling him “insensitive” and  “heartless.” Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell reportedly compared the President to “that horrible Cal in ‘Titanic,’” then slapped him in the face.

As a peace offering, the President bought Boehner a copy of “The English Patient” and agreed to extend the Bush tax cuts. “It’s no secret I’m a sucker for a strong woman,” Obama said of Boehner.

According to WikiLeaks, the next three films in Boehner’s Netflix queue are “Ghost,” “Lorenzo’s Oil,” and “E.T.”


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