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Thursday September 18th 2014    Become a Fan on Facebook   Follow Us On Twitter

ASSANGE REGRETS LEAKING PRISON BREAKOUT PLAN

LONDON (SatireWire.com) – WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange was in the hospital wing of Wandsworth Prison today after being unable to keep himself from divulging details of a planned breakout by fellow inmates.

Assange was reportedly beaten by his three cellmates for leaking details of the plan, which was written on 42,000 partially redacted sheets of toilet paper.

Assange is now banned from the computer room at Wandsworth Prison (inset).

According to the warden, Governor David Taylor, Assange “obtained” and scanned the 42,000 sheets into a computer and published them over Wandsworth’s intranet. He claimed to have been given a further 31,000 sheets with information about other prison activity, but is apparently saving those to bargain for his release.

Taylor said once the breakout plan was leaked, he visited Assange in his cell, which he shared with three other inmates.

“I asked him if he put the information out, and he confessed quite proudly,” Taylor recalled. “And then he pointed to his cellmates and said, ‘Also, that one’s got a shiv under his mattress, that one’s buying drugs from the guards, and this one’s committed two murders you don’t know about.”

His shocked cellmates reportedly glared at Assange, who replied, “Sorry. I can’t help myself.”

Gerard Tugby, one of the cellmates accused of the beating, said he had words with Assange shortly after the warden left. “I asked him why he did it, and he said, ‘Information should be free,’” Tugby related. “I told him I needed to be feckin’ free, and he said I should have thought about that before and distributed myself across several proxy servers.”

“He did feel bad after,” Tugby added. “He even offered to upload me to a mainframe in Switzerland, which was sweet.”

Another of the accused, inmate Russell Bell, said prisoners initially liked Assange, who is in Wandsworth awaiting an extradition hearing to Sweden. “He’s anti-authority, like us, so we figure he’s one of us and we take to him right off,” said Bell. “I mean that in a good way, mind you.”

According to Bell, Assange was not only told of the escape, but even suggested improvements. “But it involved us all breaking out from different prisons in different countries, so we’d be harder to track,” Bell said. “Julian got a bit frustrated when we told him that weren’t possible.”

Assange later leaked the plans, which upset the inmates for more reasons than one, Tugby noted.

“We’re angry because he grassed us up (turned informant), but it hurt too because to us he was like a rock star, like David Bowie. He even looks like David Bowie,” Tugby explained. “Unfortunately for him he also takes a punch like David Bowie.”

Assange suffered broken ribs and facial lacerations, but is already feeling better, Taylor reported.

“In fact a few minutes ago he threatened to expose the entire C Wing if I didn’t release him,” the warden said. “He’s quite bright, but not much of a negotiator.”

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