WASHINGTON D.C. (SatireWire.com) – In a historic sign that Washington finally understands what the American people want, Congress today voted to go fuck itself.
The bipartisan bill, which passed unanimously in the House and the Senate, came about after members of both parties — frustrated by endless bickering and obduracy – polled constituents and asked what their top priority was.
“We explained to the voters what needed to be done to fix this country, then we told them there was no way we were going to do those things,” said GOP House leader John Boehner. “Their answer was clear: ‘In that case, go fuck yourselves.’”
Outgoing House Speaker Nancy Pelosi said the mandate crossed racial, ethnic, and gender lines. “America is the most dynamic, most diverse country in the world, but today the American people spoke as one, and we listened,” Pelosi said. “I am proud to be part of the first Congress in the history of the United States that will go fuck itself.”
Prior to the vote, the same legislators who had failed to agree on tax cuts, Social Security, the deficit, and dozens of other issues, urged one another to unite behind a single cause.
“At this critical time in our nation’s history, do we just sit back and do nothing?” asked Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid. “Do we allow partisanship and special interests to keep us from fucking ourselves? No. We were sent here to do a job, and we’re going to do that job. I say that euphemistically, of course.”
Rep. Charles Rangel (D-NY), recently censured by the House for numerous ethics violations, chose to soften the blow for any colleagues who were unsure.
“The American people want us to go fuck ourselves. That’s a fact,” said Rangel as legislators listened in silence. “Now some of you may be thinking, ‘Hmmm, I don’t know. Does it hurt?’ Well let me tell you something. I have fucked myself pretty bad, and I’m still standing.”
The motion passed unanimously, although the two parties were at odds over which should get credit for the legislation.
Rep. Rosa DeLauro, (D-CT), insisted President Obama originated the idea, telling Democratic House leaders to go fuck themselves as early as 2009. “The last time he even had pictures,” she said. But Rep. Michelle Bachman, (R-MN), scoffed at that contention.
“Republicans like me caused this gridlock, and Republicans like me can take credit for this bill,” she said. “And please, let’s dispel the notion that this is some new Progressive idea. Everyone knows people have wanted Congress to go fuck itself for years.”
Bachman has history on her side. In fact, the desire for a representative body to go fuck itself predates the United States.
“GO BEFOOKE YE PERSONS”
In 1604, an English Catholic named Guy Fawkes, speaking to the House of Lords, told the body to “go forth and befooke ye persons, if it please ye.” When the Lords refused, Fawkes and others attempted to blow up Parliament in the infamous Gunpowder Plot of 1605. In the New World, in 1775, the wives of the Continental Congress in Philadelphia, choosing a more discreet path, told their missing husbands to ‘prithee perform oathes and imprecations upon thyselves, for all we do care naught.”
From that point on, the public yearning for the U.S. Congress to harm itself became increasingly popular, and increasingly frustrating. In 1813, angered by a losing war with Britain, most Americans wanted the 13th Congress to “beat upon itself with a Sodomite stick,” but the House and Senate could not agree on the dimensions of the stick, or proper method of manufacture, and the bill died in committee. In 1861, during a wave of anti-immigrant fervor, the 37th Congress bravely refused to do the public’s bidding and “go choke on an Irishman,” noting that the country was split between Midwesterners, who wished it to “choke on a German,” and Far Westerners, who preferred it “choke on a Chinaman.” This impasse led to the famed Second Missouri Compromise, which called for Congress to “choke itself on a colored person if no proper foreign person can be obtained.” The Civil War thwarted any chance of passage, as all Americans were needed to die on the battlefield.
The tradition of obstinacy continued as the 49th (Imprison Itself) the 55th (Hang Itself), the 64th (Shit Itself), and the 71st (Go Shit Itself, Then Hang Itself, Then Imprison Itself) Congresses all refused to obey the public. The modern day interpretation to “go fuck itself” was first suggested in 1948, during the 80th Congress. Known as the Do-Nothing Congress, its legislators refused to introduce a bill even though 52 percent of the voters and President Harry Truman wanted the legislature to go fuck itself, the latter 219 times a day, still believed to be a record.
But all that ended today as the 111th Congress put its stamp on history.
“Today we join the ranks of the Civil Rights Congress, the New Deal Congress, and the Suffrage Congress,” Rep. Joe Barton (D-TX) said on the House floor after the votes were tallied. “Today we are forevermore the Congress that fucked itself. I yield the remainder of my time to my colleague from Pennsylvania, who will demonstrate.”
President Obama is expected to sign the legislation Monday in a Rose Garden ceremony closed to the public for decency reasons.
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