LONDON (SatireWire.com) – Much of the world was reportedly locked in its room crying a day after the release of a quarter-million U.S. embassy cables served to confirm what many have long suspected: that America is just, like, a total bitch.
In what amounts to a diplomatic corps diary, the superpower disses friends, plots against enemies and bullies weaker nations in its attempt to stay atop its international clique. The documents are also expected to reveal that the U.S. started the rumors that Spain is gay, Italy is two-faced, and Yemen is a slut.
The U.S. has been in damage control for several days over the leaks, explaining to various allies that it “didn’t mean it” and was “just kidding around,” but the wounds cut deep.
German Chancellor Angela Merkel, scorned as weak and self-centered, has reportedly closed herself up in a darkened bedroom and is inconsolable. “She keeps shouting ‘I’m ugly! I’m ugly! Leave me alone!’” said a German cabinet official.
In Britain, Prime Minister David Cameron, criticized in one entry for his ‘lacking depth,’ is said to be devastated. “Oh my God, I cannot believe America said that about me!” a red-eyed Cameron reportedly muttered. “I thought we were friends!”
Britain was also ridiculed for its “paranoia” about maintaining “special relationship status” with the U.S., which observers say is diplomatic-speak for “they’re so clingy and needy, it’s just gross.”
The U.S. has publicly condemned the leaks as dangerous and irresponsible, while privately telling friends that Sweden, where WikiLeaks’ servers are based, is “a complete nerd” who is “just jealous that they’re not us.” Sweden denied the allegations, although it conceded it spends most Saturday nights at home playing Warhammer.
Sweden also said that since the leaks, most of the cool countries won’t talk to it.
Geopolitical bullying expert Elaine Klein said that type of reaction from America’s inner circle follows a known pattern. “There is a gang mentality and America is able to incite an entire clique through manipulation and fear,” Klein said. “No country wants to be next in line for ridicule. And for those that are a target, the scars of exclusion and abandonment never really go away.”
While some documents are simply snarky – Vladimir Putin is called “rude”; Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is compared to Hitler; a Photoshopped picture of Yemen in a thong was transmitted around under the subject “Massive Slut” – others provide more detail into how America views the world.
One 2008 diplomatic entry concerned the nation of Georgia, which approached U.S. embassy officials about joining NATO. “Georgia called today. Again,” the cable said. “Wants to join NATO. Yeah, right, like it could ever be in NATO. As if.”
An embassy cable from 2009 details how Slovenia was coerced into taking one of the Guantanamo prison detainees. The cable begins: “Today we called up Slovenia and said President Obama was on the phone. They’re like, ‘Really?’ and we’re like, ‘Ha! Psyche! Why would the U.S. call you? Loser!’ It was too funny.”
Embassy officials continued to make the calls for nearly 24 hours. “Finally Slovenia was like, “Stop it! Stop it!” and we were like, ‘OK, if you take one of our prisoners.’ And they did. Then we stuck Slovenia’s head in the toilet anyway.”
Portuguese Finance Minister Fernando Teixeira dos Santos shared a particularly painful memory, outlined in the leaks, at the 2006 G20 Summit in Australia.
“We’re not in the G20, ‘cause I guess we’re not ‘good enough,’ but anyway, Brazil lets me in and I try to sit down at America’s table,” dos Santas recalled. “So America says, ‘Oh look, it’s Poor-trugal. What are you doing here? Can’t afford a seat?” Then they all start snickering. Even Brazil! God I hate America.”
Ironically, not appearing in the U.S. cables also proved upsetting.
“I was up all night looking through the leaks, and we’re not in there. Ever,” moaned Guyana U.N. Ambassador Rodrigo Kipler. “God, they don’t even know we exist.”
Kipler later called U.N. Secretary General Ban Ki-moon to complain, “but of course Ki-moon turns around and tells America, and America tells all its friends, and now everything is totally way worse,” Ki-moon said. “And my acne is back.”
Perhaps the most revealing document is a December 2003 cable regarding the subterranean capture of Saddam Hussein in Iraq: “We found Hussein today. He was hiding underground. When asked what he was doing, he said the U.S. had been so horrible to him, he just wanted to crawl into a hole and die.”
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