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TSA: PASSENGERS CAN PUT GENITALIA IN LUGGAGE

WASHINGTON, D.C. (SatireWire.com) — Hoping to show it finally understands the problem, the TSA said today passengers sensitive to enhanced pat-downs will be allowed to put their genitals in checked luggage or carry on bags, which are scanned separately.

Denver International Airport

The policy is likely to meet resistance, however, as in a new CNN poll, 79 percent of Americans said their genitals don’t come off.

Former Georgia congressman Bob Barr, who leads a group strongly opposed to enhanced screening techniques, said the latest announcement from the Transportation Security Administration is only a half-solution.

“The checked baggage idea is a no-go,” said Barr. “People don’t like to travel without their genitals on them. It’s like your wallet or your keys or your passport. Not to mention that for NFL players, it’s a valid form of identification.”

Barr added that people often put heavier items in checked luggage, which could damage genitalia if the luggage shifts. “You could be seriously hurting and you wouldn’t know it for hours,” he said.

To avoid such a fate, some travel agents recommend that clients with particularly large or fragile genitals ship them ahead of time.

TSA spokeswoman Gina Carloni, however, said checked luggage was only one option. Travelers who feel they might need their genitals during the flight can choose to place them in carry-on bags or in plastic bins along with other personal items.

“We make people remove their belts, their shoes, their hats. Having them remove their genitals should not be a big deal,” said Carloni.

Airline analyst Kendall Zebow agreed, although he warned there could be unforseen carry-on genital drawbacks.

“Maybe a screener sees some suspicious genitals. Maybe they’re uncircumsized. ‘Why are you wearing a hood?’ It looks bad,” he said. “So the TSA agent is going to hold them up and ask, ‘Are these your genitals?’ I don’t know that I could identify mine.”

There is, he added, another potential problem.

“What if, in a rush to get to the gate, you forget them? If some guy lost his genitals, that would be tragic,” said Zebow, although he did not mention President Obama by name.

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