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Thursday October 2nd 2014    Become a Fan on Facebook   Follow Us On Twitter

TIGER WOODS IS A TWIT(TER)

WINDEREMERE, FL (SatireWire.com) — His reputation destroyed by addictions to sex and himself, Tiger Woods began using his Twitter account today, his advisors hoping this chatty, down-to-earth persona will somehow make people forget he’s Tiger Woods.

Below is the latest from Wood’s Twitter page, with tweets in reverse order.



Tiger Woods

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Hey it’s me, Tiger. Tiger Woods. And I’m on Twitter!

about 2 hours ago via web

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So… yeah. I’m a real person now. Doing real person things. So we’re
all cool? We good? Can I stop? Cause this is lame.
about 1 hour ago via web

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Sorry, handler alert! I’m not supposed to say it’s lame! It’s ‘important.
You’re important. I’m really important.
about 1 hour ago via web

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Right, no. I’m NOT really important. It’s important that you don’t
think I think I’m more important. Than you. Say that.
about 58 minutes ago via web

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What? How do you ‘tweet sincerely’? OK, they’re all REAL important.
about 58 minutes ago via web

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Sorry, I was talking to someone else. I’m supposed to say ‘you.’
You are all real important.
about 56 minutes ago via web

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Except I’m not supposed to say ‘I’m supposed to say,’ so forget
that part.
about 55 minutes ago via web

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And now I’m going to say, ‘Thanks for all the love.’
about 53 minutes ago via web

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By which I mean like not sexually. Cause that’s in my past.
about 52 minutes ago via web

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Hang on I’m gonna take a Twitter Mulligan.
about 49 minutes ago via web

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Hey it’s me Tiger again. I’m just hangin’ out today. Sayin’ what’s
on my normal humble mind. Just me ‘n Team Tiger.
about 48 minutes ago via web

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No! Don’t say Team Tiger! I mean, I didn’t say Team Tiger. I said my
friends. Hangin’ with friends. Just like you have. Talkin bout my
celebrity Q scores. Which are down in the sh…
about 46 minutes ago via web

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There’s a character limit? Damn, everybody’s tryin’ to limit me!
about 45 minutes ago via web

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Oh. 140 characters. I gotta be brief. Speaking of which, any briefs
companies out there need a spokesperson? I’m pretty free at the mo.
about 41 minutes ago via web

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By which I don’t mean sexually. Cause that’s not who I am anymore.
about 40 minutes ago via web

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OK, right, just what’s on my mind. So, I played some golf this
morning. Got in 18 holes.
about 33 minutes ago via web

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By which I don’t mean sexually.
about 33 minutes ago via web

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Something else.
about 30 minutes ago via web

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Sorry. I’m supposed to type ABOUT something else. But don’t
type this .. Oh.
about 28 minutes ago via web

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Yeah, so, I hit the links with Federer and Jeter. In fact they
closed the course for us.
about 25 minutes ago via web

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No! Hey, sorry, forget that! I don’t get to live by different rules.
The same boundaries that apply to everyone apply to me.
about 20 minutes ago via web

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By which I don’t mean sexually.
about 18 minutes ago via web

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What? OK I  do mean sexually.
about 18 minutes ago via web

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Jesus! Stop limiting my character! Fine, new subject. And
smile. No don’t type that.
about 15 minutes ago via web

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Hey, cool! I’ve got like 200,000 followers already.
about 12 minutes ago via web

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By which I don’t mean sexually.
about 10 minutes ago via web

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What? You told me to type what’s on my mind!
about 9 minutes ago via web

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Sorry, I’m not speaking to anyone. And that’s not on my mind.
Since the clinic. Now I focus on my core image.
about 7 minutes ago via web

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Values. Right. Core values. See I’m not the same Tiger. I’m the
old Tiger again. But the Tiger you thought I was. Not the other
old Tiger I really was.
about 6 minutes ago via web

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n’t. Wasn’t. Really wasn’t.
about 5 minutes ago via web

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Yup. Pretty happy now. I made some mistakes, but I finally
got my head on straight.
about 2 minutes ago via web

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By which I don’t mean sexually.
about 2 minutes ago via web

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Sorry … Damn, this is hard.
about 50 seconds ago via web

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By which I don’t mean (account suspended)
about 30 seconds ago via web


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about 30 minutes ago via web

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