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AIRPORT SCREENERS NOT THRILLED ABOUT TOUCHING YOU EITHER

SAN DIEGO (SatireWire.com) — Caught up in a privacy firestorm already immortalized by the phrase ‘Don’t touch my junk,’ airport screeners today pointed out that they’re not exactly thrilled to have to touch most of you, either.

“It ain’t like we got the cast of ‘Glee’ coming through here every day,” said TSA employee Hillary Bent, working an x-ray scanner at San Diego International Airport. “It’s more like a casting call for ‘Ugly Betty.’”

Surprisingly, TSA workers claim they are not excited by these images.

Public anger has been growing since early fall, when the Transportation Security Administration introduced full-body scanners that use x-rays to produce what many consider naked images. Passengers refusing the scan must undergo an “enhanced pat-down,” an invasive process that has infuriated fliers who say the TSA is invading their privacy. Even the ACLU compared the searches to foreplay.

But security screeners argue that critics are forgetting what most of us look like.

“I spend up to eight hours a day staring at ill-tempered, out of shape, naked Americans,” said James Kernauer, a TSA agent in Philadelphia. “I don’t think that qualifies me for abuse. I think that qualifies me for ‘Worst Job in the World.’”

Added Sheila Thompson, a screener at Chicago’s O’Hare International Airport. “I would only find this exciting if I was doing an obesity study.”

After searching this passenger, the TSA agent did not ask for his phone number.

Passenger William Hague, a pale, 52-year-old salesman from from Kansas City who was then being groped by Thompson, took offense.

“This isn’t about how attractive people are,” Hague said. “It’s about how vulnerabl…lalalala walnuts! What was that for?”

“Was it good for you?” Thompson asked.

” No,” said Hague.

” Tell me about it,” Thompson replied.

Outrage over the new procedures reached a peak this week as a San Diego man refused to be scanned or have his genitals touched. The blogosphere has since been aflame with suspicions, including what happens to the body images. Some believe agents might turn around and sell the pictures on eBay.

“Oh yeah, that’s a good idea,” said Kernauer. “Is there a category for hot, bald, pissed-off 45-year-old diabetics from Cleveland?”

Houston TSA screener Todd Appleby said he is particularly baffled by allegations that TSA workers are sexually stimulated by the body scans. “People think I’m getting off, right? OK, I’m gonna be honest with you. I’ll tell you what I’m really thinking. I’m sitting there, staring at the screen, and I’m thinking: Worst. Porn. Movie. Ever.”


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