WASHINGTON, D.C. (SatireWire.com) — Now in control of only the White House, the Senate, the military, foreign policy, the U.S. Treasury, the Justice Department, homeland security, U.S. energy policy, and — in cases of national emergency — everything, Democrats on Capitol Hill today conceded Republicans are now in charge.
As Democrats reluctantly listened, presumptive House Speaker John Boehner announced GOP leaders had already drawn up health care repeal, pennied Democratic congressmen into their rooms, and stuffed Energy Secretary Steven Chu into a locker. The White House immediately cried foul, but not so loud that Boehner might hear and get angry.
“They took over the House, they took over the majority of state legislatures, and they took over the Senate, since they have 47 senators and we only have 53, so I guess technically they set the agenda,” said White House spokesman Robert Gibbs, who confirmed that Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell had short-sheeted the President’s bed, but claimed it was “all in good fun.”
Though weakened, Democratic leaders insisted they were not completely emasculated, and as proof they promised to never speak to House Speaker Nancy Pelosi ever again, “if that’s what Mr. Speaker-in-Chief Boehner wants.” Boehner said that wasn’t necessary, but would settle for her removal from leadership. And an occasional remark about her goofy eyes.
Both parties, however, have promised to look to the future, with Democrats saying they are willing to compromise, and Republicans saying they are also willing for the Democrats to compromise.
“The people that elected us in 2008 were tired of partisanship,” said Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid. “They expect us to work together, to compromise for the common good.”
“The people who elected us don’t want us to compromise,” said Kentucky Senator-elect Rand Paul. “So if Democrats listen to their voters, and we listen to ours, yeah, that’ll work.”
Some far-left Democrats are adamant their party stand firm and believe the Obama administration has already conceded too much on health care, banking regulations and tax cuts. However, Democrats and Republicans agreed, “those people don’t seem to have voted.”
“Look, we’ve talked about it in caucus, and it’s like this,” House minority whip Eric Cantor, (R-Va.) said at a bipartisan press conference. “Obama won the last election handily. He got to lead. We won this election handily. So we get to lead.”
“Excuse me but… that’s not how it works, is it?” asked Sen. Mary Landrieu (D-La.).
As a result of Landrieu’s outburst, Cantor announced that Republicans in the House and Senate will continue to use the congressional washrooms. However, Democrats will use the Port-o-Johns left over from Jon Stewart’s rally last month.
“Thanks a lot, Landrieu,” said Rep. Dan Boren (D-OK).
Added Rep. Heath Shuler of North Carolina, “Yeah, good job, Mary Canary.”
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