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Thursday April 24th 2014    Become a Fan on Facebook   Follow Us On Twitter

MARKET EXPERTS ADVISE CALM. TILL NEXT TUESDAY. THEN PANIC

Market Simply Undergoing “Healthy Correction” Until Devastating Freefall

WASHINGTON, D.C. (SatireWire.com) [UPDATED] – Despite the sharp downturn in the stock market, economic and financial experts today advised investors to remain calm and continue to hold on for the long-term, which they said would end abruptly next Tuesday when a market panic wipes out 90 percent of the world’s wealth.

Lawrence Lindsey, the forgotten Byrd

“I realize things look a little dodgy right now, but this is no time for people to lose their cool,” said U.S. Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner. “God knows there will be plenty of time for that come Tuesday, when everything you’ve worked for vanishes in a matter of seconds.”

On Wall Street, meanwhile, analysts were generally upbeat. After several strong years, the market was due for a “healthy correction,” said Merrill Lynch analyst Pamela Green, adding that the U.S. economy looks set to rebound by the fourth quarter, “unless next Tuesday comes first, which I’m afraid it will.”

“While you must always be vigilant in market conditions such as we see today, we advise buying on dips and looking for value plays – stocks trading below their traditional book values – which we think stand a very good chance of moving upward until Tuesday, when everything goes to shit,” Green wrote in a research note to investors today. “For the risk-averse, we particularly like defensive plays, such as aerospace and health care, which we believe will hold up well prior to collapsing entirely at 10:42 a.m. Eastern Standard Time.”

Unlike other life experiences, such as retirement, there is no effective way to plan for a genuine market panic, said White House chief economic advisor Lawrence Lindsey. However, he added, people can be proactive once the panic does hit. Among his suggestions:

  • Set aside 10 percent of your pre-tax income for firearms.
  • Invest in a thunderdome.
  • Take “before” pictures of your town.
  • Reconnect with family members. They may have food.
  • Diversify your portfolio. Always sound advice, even in an Apocalypse.
  • Watch “Escape from New York.” Just for ideas.
  • Eat your young. “It seems barbaric, but trust me, if you don’t do it, someone else will, and you’ll end up kicking yourself.”
  • Will your online broker be there in a market panic? Maybe it’s time you switched to a Schwab One account. (paid advertisement)

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