New York (SatireWire.com) – A study issued Tuesday claiming that pessimists have more long-term health problems than positive people just proves pessimists were right, say pessimists.

The research, conducted by the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, Minn., found that less positive people suffer significantly higher rates of illness, and advised physicians to encourage their patients to adopt a more positive outlook to improve and lengthen their lives. Pessimists across the country said they would try, though they seriously doubted it would work.

“OK, here’s a positive thought,” said Chicago resident Eric Weinstadt. “Why not save me the trouble I’m going to have later and just shoot me now?”

“No wait, save the bullet,” he added. “I’m going out to a party with my so-called friends tonight. I’ll bet I die of boredom.”