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AGING FACEBOOK ORDERS TEENS TO USE FACEBOOK OR ELSE

MENLO PARK, CA (SatireWire.com) — A new study claiming Facebook is increasingly for parents and is ‘basically dead’ to teenagers has infuriated the social media giant, which argued it is still hip and cool and demanded young members stay on Facebook or else.

"Get back on Facebook and stay there. I don't expect to have to tell you again," says Facebook.

The study, from University College London, said young users are switching to sites like Twitter and Snapchat in large part because their parents are on Facebook. In response, Facebook broadcast a post to all its users between ages 13 and 19 insisting it’s “nothing like” your parents.

“Parents are all, like, ‘Who are you talking to?’ and ‘Where are you going?’” wrote Facebook. “But we understand you kids want independence. We’re totally cool with you hanging out on other sites until 11 p.m. on weekends or 9 p.m. on school nights provided your homework is done.”

The networking site added that if teens knew what was good for them, they would appreciate what friending their parents means.

“You’re lucky to have parents that love you and want to know what you’re up to!” Facebook admonished. “What, is love now uncool? Who told you that? Probably Miley Cyrus. Or one of those horrible electronic dance bands playing what you call ‘music.’”

However, Facebook users like Lisa Telemry, 17, of Sausalito, said they have no choice but to leave.

“Having my parents on Facebook just ruins it,” Telemry posted on her Twitter account. “It’s like Facebook is keeping an eye on me. I’m too old to have a babysitter.”

“That’s ridiculous,” Facebook tweeted back. “But if you take one step out that door, we’re telling your mom and dad, do you hear me?”

“Forget it. I’m using WhatsApp,” Telemry replied.

“Don’t. You. Dare,” Facebook fumed.

After Telemry stopped responding, Facebook repeatedly texted her cell phone with the message: “You’re making a big mistake, young lady.”

Meanwhile, users like Ben Barton, 15, of Toronto, said snitching to his parents is meaningless because he doesn’t listen to them anyway. In response, Facebook got into a flame war with the Canadian teen.

“Facebook is lame, I’m outta here,” Barton wrote as a last message on his Facebook page.

“You come back this instant, or else!” Facebook replied.

“Or else what?” said Barton.

“Or else… we don’t know what. But something,” Facebook answered. “Count on it mister.”

Another new study, by the Pew Research Center, seemed to confirm that Facebook’s largest growth is primarily among older users, causing Facebook to send out a general plea.

“We give you this great platform, we build this whole thing for you, and now you just want to leave us?” it wrote. “Well, that’s appreciation for you. That’s thanks for you. Fine. Go. But in 10 years, guess what? You’ll be moving back in.

“Meanwhile, good luck getting into college after we forward them all the profile pics you think you deleted.”

Copyright © 2013, SatireWire.com

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