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Kmart Hires Arthur Andersen

Briefs in a Brief

Chicago (SatireWire.com) – Ailing retail giant Kmart today announced it would not have to declare bankruptcy after an audit conducted by its newly hired accounting firm, Arthur Andersen, found no records of company finances whatsoever.

“Our previous accounting firm told us we lost $224 million in the fiscal third quarter, but Andersen has informed us that, at least on paper, we didn’t have a fiscal third quarter,” said CEO Charles Conaway. “What a difference proper accounting makes.”

Andersen executives did not return several messages. A company attorney later explained his clients were only allowed one phone call, and they had already made it.

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