Jenin, West Bank (SatireWire.com) – Having nearly exhausted its supply of young martyrs, the militant group Hamas today asked a Palestinian court to approve of physician-assisted suicide bombing, arguing the elderly and terminally ill should be allowed to end their lives with dignity, respect, and catastrophic destruction.

The request, which would permit doctors to prescribe explosives-laden vests for their patients, horrified most Palestinians, and also drew criticism from the West Bank Martyrs Local 572, which objected to the use of non-union personnel.

But family members of the old and infirm supported the proposal.

“My mother is 82, she is not well, and I don’t want her to end her days in some flea-bitten hospital,” said Jamal Hawari of Hebron. “I want her to die gloriously in, say, a mall, or on a bus.”

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