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SHOOTING NEAR THE WHITE HOUSE

White House transcript. Wednesday, Feb. 7, 2001, 11:45 a.m.

(Secret Service Agent "Tom" rushes in to White House Gymnasium)

SS Tom: Tumbler! There's a man outside...
Bush: I hate that code name, "Tumbler." I want a better code name.
SS Tom: Yes sir, just let me know sir. But I have to inform you, there's a man outside the White House shooting a gun.
Bush: Who is it?
SS Tom: We're not sure. All we know is he's a white male, maybe late 40s, and he's very angry. Keeps going on about being cheated out of a government job.
Bush: It's Gore!

(Cheney rushes in)

Cheney: Mr. President!
Bush: Dick! Gore's trying to shoot me!
Cheney: Sir, you've been shot!
Bush: I have?
Cheney: Someone call an ambulance! The President's been shot!
Bush: I'm... I've been shot?
Cheney: Call Judge Rehnquist, pronto! He'll have to swear me in.
Bush: Why are you gonna call Judge Rehnquist 'Pronto?' His name is Willard.
Cheney: It's William. And please, Mr. President, save your strength. Don't speak.
Bush: But it doesn't hurt me to speak.
Cheney: Think of the rest of us, sir.
Bush: Dick, listen to me, this is stupid.
Tom SS: (mumbles into collar mic) The President's new code name is 'Stupid.'
Cheney: I'm sorry sir, but I'll have to ask you to refer to me as 'Mr. Acting President,' at least until Judge Rehnquist gets here.
Bush: What?

(Chief Justice Rehnquist rushes in)

Rehnquist: What's the emergency?
SS Tom: Stupid has been shot.
Bush: Who you callin' stupid?
Cheney: You'll have to swear me in, Your Honor. The President was shot by an assassin. He's near death.
Bush: I am not near death!
SS Tom: That's correct, sir. You're "Stupid." Mr. Cheney, your code name is "Near Death."
Rehnquist: Who shot him?
Bush: Al Gore!
Cheney: See, he's already unstable.
Rehnquist: How can you tell?
Bush: Hey! You voted for me Wallace!
Rehnquist: It's William.
Cheney: Judge, do you have the Bible? OK, swear me in.
Bush: But I haven't been shot! Tom, tell 'em I haven't been shot!
SS Tom: Stupid wasn't shot. Only the gunman was shot.
Bush: Jesus, Gore's been killed!

(Gore rushes in)

Bush: Aaah! It's Al Gore's ghost!
Gore: What? You're not dead? I heard you were dead.
Bush: If I am, you killed me!
Gore: (pauses, frowns) I cannot believe you're the president.
Cheney: That's former president. Judge, the Bible?
Rehnquist: Are you ready to be sworn in, Mr. Vice President?
Cheney: Yes.
Gore: Yes.
Cheney: Gore, get out of here! You're not the vice president.
Gore: No, I'm supposed to be President. It's why I'm here.
Bush: Hey, he can't be president if he shot me, can he?
Gore: What is he talking about?
Cheney: He's delirious.
Bush: All right, stop this right now! I am not delirious, I am not shot, and I am not dead. I'm not even in any danger!
Gore: (pointing to SS Tom) Then why is he here?
SS Tom: I'm with Stupid.
Bush: And I am not Stupid!
SS Tom: (mumbles into collar mic) Correction. The President's new code name is "Not Stupid."
Bush: Now everyone just get out! Wait, not you, Dick. I want you to make a statement to the press. Say the President is absolutely, positively NOT near death.
Cheney: All right. You don't have to rub it in.

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