Tuesday, Jan. 30, 2001
Even though I'm uniquely qualified to be a uniter, since I have both Democratic and Republican tendencies, people keep saying I'm going too far right, first with the Ashcroft nomination, and now my idea to give government money to religious charities. But all these civil liberty types arguing its unconstipational, and that we need to keep church and state separate, just don't get it. We already got religion in government. Hell, even my brother Jeb says it's a miracle that I'm President.
[Posted by G.W.] 12:50 p.m.
Sunday, Jan. 28, 2001
It turns out there's this scientific study, just came out, sayin' bigger babies make smarter adults. In fact, story says a baby who hasn't reached full birth weight may not reach full brain development. Well, guess what year the babies in this study were born? 1946. And guess what year I was born? Yep, 1946.
Anybody gets into politics has gotta be thick-skinned. Comes with the territory. And anybody that knows me knows I'm as thick as they come. But frankly, when I read that even Castro thinks I'm stupid, that got thinkin' there's more to all this than just the way I talk. And sure enough, I was right.
Now here's the kicker. Take a look at my birth certificate.
[Posted by G.W.] 7:09 a.m.
See? This got started before I could even talk. I think I'm owed some apologies.
[Posted by G.W.] 7:15 a.m.
Thursday, Jan. 25, 2000
All right, let's put a stop to this. I keep seeing garbage stories like this one, saying John Ashcroft is biased against gays, that he wouldn't hire a guy in Missouri because he was gay. But John Ashcroft is NOT biased against gays. Y'all want to know the real problem?
JOHN ASHCROFT IS A GAY MAGNET.
Really. He didn't ask job seekers their sexual orientation because he disrespected them for it, he asked because he knew that if he hired a gay man, that man was going to be all over him and John wouldn't get any work done. It's true. I mean, look at this picture. How many women do you see around him? I'm tellin' you, guys just swarm to him. Gay magnetism. So this isn't a case of John being biased against gays. On the contrary, this is John striking out against sexual harrassment. I'm proud of him.
[Posted by G.W.] 11:22 a.m.
I know what it's like, too. It's why I can't work with McCain on campaign finance reform. Every time we get together it's like, well...
[Posted by G.W.] 11:40 a.m.
Wednesday, Jan. 24, 2000
You know, the email I get here runs about 50/50. Half for and half against, and no, I'm not gonna count 'em to be sure. Anyway, it's my Web site, so I'm just gonna share with y'all a couple of "for me" ones. (And yes, they're real.) First, Richard from Virginia, who writes, "Dear Mr. Bush ... I remember the last recession, and I don't want to go through one again. Your tax cut is just what we need."
Thanks, Richard. I too think my tax cut is what we need. And I too remember the last recession, when people had to cut corners to make ends meet, like having their chauffeurs also do the gardenin'. I don't want to see that again, either.
[Posted by G.W.] 11:10 a.m.
The other note is from a woman named Maggie, who pointed me to this story about my abortion stance, and writes, "Go GW! What a way to consider the majority opinion, much less that of women and minorities." Well, I thought maybe this was one of those "against me" emails, but then Maggie ended with, "Fight for the rights of conservative Christian white males with money!"
So she's one of us. But Maggie, it's probably better if we don't go around saying this out loud, okay?
[Posted by G.W.] 11:39 a.m.
Monday, Jan. 22, 2000
Been gettin' a lot of emails about how the world doesn't like me. All kind of newspapers been writing editorials saying I'm not up to speed, or that my views won't mesh with European views. This one, from a paper called The Observer in England, even says, "The day Bush was sworn in, the Atlantic doubled in width." Well, I checked with Andy Card, my chief of staff, and he said that was hyperbole, which is fine. But here's what rankles me. Andy also said not to worry about all the bad press, said I didn't get any votes in Europe anyway. But that's what gets me. If you can't even take the effort to vote, you don't have the right to complain about who wins.
[Posted by G.W.] 4 p.m.
But hey, I imagine those Europeans will think different once they get to know me. We'll find out soon. I've got a trip to Mexico all planned for Feb. 16.
[Posted by G.W.] 4:15 p.m.
Thursday, Jan. 18, 2000
"Well, I condemn those things which are... condemnable." Did y'all hear that yesterday? John Ashcroft said that. He was at the hearings, responding to that Sen. Biden fella, who asked John why he gave an interview to a pro-Confederate magazine. Biden keeps asking John why he didn't condemn the magazine, and John finally says, "Well, I condemn those things which are... condemnable." Can you believe that was his answer? Can you? Well, I'll let y'all in on a little secret. I wrote that for him. Pretty good, huh?
[Posted by G.W.] 9:40 a.m.
Wednesday, Jan. 17, 2000
Monday, Jan. 15, 2000
Squeezed for time, but before I head to D.C., I wanted to give y'all the event schedule, and let y'all know which Inaugural shindigs Laura and I will be at. Wish I could get to 'em all, but hey, the CEO of the United States doesn't have time for everything. (I kinda like that CEO stuff the papers keep saying, although to be honest, I have no idea why everybody thinks I'm so pro business.) Anyway, the event schedule:
* The USF&G-Presidential Inaugural Opening Celebration, (Lincoln Memorial)
* Haliburton Energy-Texas Black Tie and Boots Ball, (Marriott Park Hotel)
* General Motors-St. John's Church Service (Sat., St. John's Church)
* RJ Reynolds White House Coffee Reception (Sat., White House?)
* Eli Lily and Co. Swearing-In Ceremony featuring the official Rockwell International Swearing-In Bible (Sat., Capitol)
* Morgan Stanley Dean Witter Inaugural Parade (Sat., Pennsylvania Ave.)
* Cisco Systems Inaugural Ball (Sat., Union Station)
* CitiCorp Inaugural Ball (Sat., Washington Convention Center)
* Verizon Wireless Washington Cathedral Church Service (Sun., Washington Cathedral)
[Posted by G.W.] 12:10 p.m.
It's a big holiday in the U.S. today — Martin Luther King Jr.'s birthday — and this year, it's particularly meaningful for me. You know, some people think because I'm conservative, because my choice for Attorney General seems a little backward, that I don't appreciate the Rev. King. But those people don't recall, as I do, Rev. King's famous "I Have a Dream" speech, where he said, "We hold these truths to be self-evident, that oil men are created equal." Even now, that chokes me up...
[Posted by G.W.] 10:07 a.m.
But like I said, it's particularly meaningful for me today because his dream — that oil men are created equal — is finally coming true. In a few days, oil men will be the two most powerful people in the free world. I think the Rev. King would be proud.
[Posted by G.W.] 10:21 a.m.
One thing I don't understand, though, is why this King holiday is celebrated in January. Why isn't it lumped in with all the other presidents for Presidents Day in February?
[Posted by G.W.] 12:07 p.m.
Friday, Jan. 12, 2000
Back here at the ranch today, working on my ignoregural... ingorgeagrill... I hate that word. Anyway, I'm trying to work up something rousing for the speech, a big national goal, like what Kennedy did saying we'd get to the moon by the end of the '60s. 'Course, we don't have a space race anymore, but you know what we have? We've got us a gene race.
Like at Auburn University, they're alterin' catfish to make 'em bigger and dumber and slower. In Germany, they've been messin' with striped zebra fish. And a course, you've got your scientists putting DNA from a see-through jellyfish into monkeys, which I know upsets people 'cause monkeys are kinda like us.
(Heck, according to this story, they can even count to three.) So here's the big idea: let's have a national goal that builds on all that. Somethin' like, "By the end of the decade, we'll create a transparent human being that's big, slow, and dumb, has stripes, and can count to three."
[Posted by G.W.] 12:07 p.m.
Jim Baker is such a spoilsport. I told him about my national science project, and he said it's already been done.
[Posted by G.W.] 1:31 p.m.
Tuesday, Jan. 9, 2000
Sad day. Sad moment. Y'all probably know Linda Chavez, is withdrawing. But I gotta believe she would have made an excellent Secretary of Labor. Look what she got out of that Mercado alien. Woman lived in her house, did work for her, and Linda only paid her whenever she felt like it. If that isn't someone who knows how to get the most from labor, I don't know what is. (It's just solid demand-side economics, too. Mercado didn't demand a salary, so Linda didn't supply it.)
[Posted by G.W.] 4:30 p.m.
Monday, Jan. 8, 2000
Morning folks. Hate startin' the day on a sour note, but I gotta be honest here: that Clinton is really pushing my buttons. One day he up and declares 60 million acres of wilderness off limits, putting them out of reach of the average, hard-working American. And now -- can you believe it? -- he wants me to pardon him. Well, okay, I read where it was really Orrin Hatch who brought up the pardon, but if you read that story, Hatch says it's "time to put this to bed." C'mon, that's got Clinton written all over it.
[Posted by G.W.] 8:01 a.m.
Speaking of the sack, some reason, the media's made a big deal out of me bringin' on board Karl Rove, Karen Hughes, and Joe Allbaugh, what I call my "Iron Triangle," to advise me in the White House like they did in the campaign. I don't see what's so unique about it. What I hear, Clinton's closest advisor has pretty much been an "iron triangle" the whole time they been married.
[Posted by G.W.] 11:47 a.m.
God, sometimes I kill myself. I gotta put that one in my unaugural ... eggnogural ... in that big speech I gotta make.
[Posted by G.W.] 11:48 a.m.
Copyright © 2001, SatireWire.
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