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Feb. 2001

Wednesday, Feb. 28, 2001
My State of the Union last night was just super, the most fun I've had since, well, I don't know when. I've been sittin' here thinkin' about it, and here's what I'm gonna remember:

¤ Seeing my Cabinet all lined up, right down in front there, and thinkin', 'Hey, I'm the best-lookin' one a the bunch.' Now I don't wanna pick on anyone in particular, but it's a good thing I made her Secretary of the Interior, 'cause she probably oughta stay inside.

¤ Noticing, for the first time, that my HHS secretary, Tommy Thompson, looks like he should be in The Sopranos. I gotta institute a flat-hair rule.

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¤ "Your seat's on far!" That's what I was sayin' to myself every time I'd come to some buzz phrase I knew would make folks stand up. So in the speech I'd say, "Education is my top priority," but inside I was sayin' "Hey, your seat's on far!" And up they'd jump. Ever' time. Can't tell you how many times I 'bout lost it doin' that.

¤ Sayin' stuff that even made the Democrats stand up. I kept thinkin' it must be a nice change for Hillary, standing before a president who could give her somethin' to clap for, instead of standing before a president who could give her the clap.

¤ My historical references. See, in a State a the Union, you're supposed to quote some famous person who represents what you're all about. So Clinton, the predecessor who came before me, liked to mention Kennedy, figurin' people would think "Kennedy" whenever they heard the name "Clinton." That's why I quoted Yogi Berra. I think most people would agree I made the right choice.
[Posted by G.W.] 11:58 a.m.

Friday, Feb. 23, 2001
I shouldn't a done it. But the guy asked me. Hell, I couldn't just say, 'No, Al, I'm not gonna be a guest lecturer in your journalism class.' I'd come off like a sore winner. So I did it. I shouldn't a done it. I think y'all can see why if you read about it.
[Posted by G.W.] 7:34 a.m.

Wednesday, Feb. 21, 2001
Another interesting thing about this FBI mess I wrote y'all about yesterday. Every story I see, even the excerpt of the charges, says how this Hanssen guy was a member of the "Intelligence Community." Well hello out there. Maybe we should look into this "Intelligence Community." I mean, who are they? Is it like a cult? Are they like the Mennonites or something? I hate it when you get stuck behind one of their carts.
[Posted by G.W.] 4:09 a.m.

Now I'm really suspicious. I'm in Louis Freeh's office, and he tells me everybody in the FBI, the CIA, the NSA, is a member of this "Intelligence Community." So I'm thinkin', this is just frightening, and I say, "Louis, aren't you worried that all your people have joined this... this cult?." And he says, "Mr. President, it's not a cult. And I'm a member too." And the way he said it, so calm, like it was so obvious and no big deal. I mean, I just ran outta there screamin'.
[Posted by G.W.] 4:28 p.m.

Cheney is a comfort to me. I'm sittin' in his office, still shakin', explainin' what all happened with Louis Freeh -- who doesn't look at all culty, but that's the way those people are, they fool you like that -- and I say "Dick, I'm scared. What if these people try to get me to join? I'm a Methodist. I don't want people thinkin' I'm in some Intelligence Community."
And he says, "Sir, believe me, no one will ever think that."
[Posted by G.W.] 5:01 p.m.

Tuesday, Feb. 20, 2001
Terrible news today about this FBI agent sellin' us out to the Russians, but I've turned it into an advantage. See, since I took office, I been playin' it cool with Russia, refusin' to set up a face-to-face with this president Putin. It's got him madder'n Jeb at my victory party. Well, then along comes this Hanssen guy, and he passes along some major league government secrets. Stuff hardly anybody knows. So I call up Putin tonight and make a deal. I'm gonna meet with him in April, and he's gonna tell me where the Clintons put the rest of the rattan furniture. We're still missing a love seat and a otterman.
[Posted by G.W.] 9:42 p.m.

Sunday, Feb. 18, 2001
This is really, really unfair. Saddam's not complyin' with the U.N. resolutions, so we "send a message," do a little bombing. Routine stuff. Now two Iraqis were killed, and I'm sincerely, generically sorry about that, but it's not true what some Arabs are saying, that the U.S. is a threat to anyone who's not our friend. I mean, since I've taken office, the American military has killed more allies than enemies. So friendship's got nothin' to do with it.
[Posted by G.W.] 11.51 a.m.

I wanted to make a statement to the press about that, but the door to my room is locked from the outside again. That Karl Rove is such a prankster.
[Posted by G.W.] 11.57 a.m.

Just as well I'm stuck in here. It's got me thinking that maybe our planes shouldn't be enforcing this no-fly zone. If you look at the results, seems to me our submarines might be more effective at it.
[Posted by G.W.] 12:09 p.m.

Wednesday, Feb. 14, 2001
Know I shouldn't get upset by this kinda thing, but did y'all see where the Navy came out and admitted a civilian was at the controls of the sub when it surfaced and sank that Japanese fishin' boat the other day? They promised not to say exactly who it was playing warrior, and I'm okay with that, but you'd think those Navy people would know that I'm Commander-in-Chief, not a civilian.
[Posted by G.W.] 1:40 p.m.

Not that I'm sayin'... you know ... that I was ... damn. Now I'm gonna have to go pardon myself.
[Posted by G.W.] 1:49 p.m.

Tuesday, Feb. 13, 2001
I think I got a pretty good understanding of how the American military should be used. Today was no expection. See, I was in Norfolk, Virginia, watching some NATO war games where they launched these ballistic missiles at the U.S. That was fun enough, but guess who got to decide where the missiles oughta hit? Yep. Al Gore.
[Posted by G.W.] 6:02 p.m.

Thursday, Feb. 08, 2001
Gettin' lots of email about the shootin' yesterday, like from Todd Stuart, who wants to know how I feel and what happened. Well, as y'all know, I was nowhere near it. But the whole scene inside the White House was a little nuts. Too long to go into, so I had my secretary get the tapes. Y'all can read the transcript here.
[Posted by G.W.] 5:48 p.m.

Wednesday, Feb. 7, 2001
Everybody around here just needs to relax about this new guy in Israel, Ariel Sharon. My people keep telling me he's gonna be difficult to deal with because he's a "hawk" and a "hard liner." I mean, okay, so this guy's into way more sh** than I was, but still, we'll have a lot of common ground.
[Posted by G.W.] 11:48 p.m.

Tuesday, Feb. 6, 2001
Cananadia is world's biggest producer of Cananadians. I learned that yesterday when I met with Cananadia's prime minister, Jean somethin'-or-other. Great guy, but kinda vague. He was talking about how our countries are good friends, and how we share a 4,000 mile border, but he didn't say who with. I've been lookin' at the map all mornin', and seems to me we don't share that border with anybody but us and Cananadia.
[Posted by G.W.] 1:48 p.m.

Monday, Feb. 5, 2001
The U.N. just sent out another report on global warming, say they want to "jolt" governments into action, but they're preachin' to the choir here. See, if the Earth heats up, the winters get milder, and people buy less oil to stay warm. Can't have that. The answer? Gas-powered air conditioners. That way, as the Earth heats up, we use more air conditioning and more oil, and the more oil and air conditioning we use, the more the Earth heats up. It's a win-win. That's the difference between me and the tree huggers. They want to wall off the environment. I want to work with the environment.
[Posted by G.W.] 10:58 a.m.

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Friday, Feb. 2, 2001
I know some of y'all think my brother Jeb is not my biggest supporter, but you're wrong. For instance, he told me about this story about an Internet service provider named Juno. Seems they're gonna sell members' unused computer power to research companies. So if you're a Juno subscriber, your computer has to stay on all the time so it can be part of this big network that companies tap into to run their programs. Why did Jeb tell me about it? Because he says I should do something like this. Here's his email:

"Seriously, George, most people only use about 10 percent of theirs, but you don't use even 1 percent of yours. It just sits there, going to waste, so do the world a favor and lease the thing to someone who can use it. The only change would be you'd have to leave it on all the time."
[Posted by G.W.] 1:29 p.m.

I just asked Ashcroft if it was legal for the president to sell his unused computer power, and he said the strangest thing. He said, "Sir, with all due respect, I don't think Jeb is referring to your computer."
Well, what is Jeb talkin' about, then?
[Posted by G.W.] 2:12 p.m.

Thursday, Feb. 1, 2001
Reader named Luca (the names people have these days!) sent me this great story about somebody in Kentucky who paid for a meal at Dairy Queen with a $200 bill... with my picture on it. I thought it was even funnier that the guy paid $200 for a $2 meal, and got $198 back. So he didn't even get the right change! That's why we need education reform, improve those math skills.
[Posted by G.W.] 4:40 p.m.


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