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December 2000

Friday, Dec. 22, 2000
Mornin'. You know how yesterday I wrote that the Dems were accusing me of bad-mouthing the economy to justify my tax cut? Thing is, it's not like tax relief is my only plan to boost the economy. For instance, I got ideas on the stock market, how it should cut back trading days to just Saturdays and Sundays. Seriously. Look at the Nasdaq. It went down last Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday, and this week it was down again Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and most of yesterday. But you notice something there? The stock market never goes down on weekends. Never. I told that to my new Treasury Secretary, Paul O'Neill, and he said, "That's... that's true, but..." So it's good to see we see eye to eye on this.
[Posted by G.W.] 10:01 a.m.

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Thursday, Dec. 21, 2000
I resigned as governor of Texas today, and I'll tell ya, I'm gonna miss all the bi-parisan goodwill we got here. For example, I read right here that Democrats are all mad at me 'cause they say I'm bad-mouthing the economy so I can justify my tax cut plan. But that's typical Democratic spin for you. I'm bad-mouthing the economy so people will think it went south before I took offi... uh-oh, Baker alert! ... back in a sec.
[Posted by G.W.] 10:45.am.

Sorry about the interruption. I'll tell ya, that Jim Baker thinks he's my dad or something, always sayin' he's got to watch me so I don't say anything I shouldn't. Turns out someone told him about my blog, and now I've gotta sneak in my entries when he's not around. I was telling Cheney's daughter about it, and it turns out she's pretty good with computers. This morning, she set up this "Baker alert" icon on my desktop, so whenever he shows up, I can just click it and instead of showing my blog, she said it'll put up an Abe Lincoln web site on my screen so it looks like I'm not goofin' off. I was gonna thank her, but for some reason she disappeared after fixing it up.
[Posted by G.W.] 10:49 a.m.

Wednesday, Dec. 20, 2000
Sorry I missed y'all yesterday, but I have been a busy little Bush. Met with Clinton. Can't divulge too much, but me and him talked mostly foreign policy. I was gonna make a point of my extensive international travel experience, but damn if he didn't already know all about it. "George," he told me, "I understand that when people come knockin', you're not always at home." Hard not to like a guy who respects you enough to study up on you.
[Posted by G.W.] 3:25 p.m.

Monday, Dec 18, 2000
Buenos mornin'. Well, what a difference a week makes. Seven days ago, I didn't know what was in my future. But look what's happened since: First, got named Time's Person of the Year. I'm pretty sure that doesn't happen every day. Next, I finally got to appointing four great people in my administration: Colin Powell, Condi Rice, Al Gonzalez, and Karen Hughes. You wanna hear something strange? According to the media, by doing this I named 2 African Americans, 2 women and one Hispanic, so I get credit for five! Must be some affirmative action thing.
[Posted by G.W.] 9:25 a.m.

Thursday, Dec. 14, 2000
Hey, I think it went pretty well last night. Even the press liked it, 'cept I saw where The New York Times said I kept licking my upper lip during the speech. Honestly, I don't know why I was doing that. Nerves, maybe.
[Posted by G.W.] 11:49 a.m.

I've been racking my brain about this "healing a divided nation" stuff, and I think the fastest way to unify everybody is a war. I'm serious. A war is very togethering. People put aside their differences to fight a common enemy. But how do ya pick the right enemy? I asked Jim Baker the best way to go about looking, and he shook his head and said "Simpleton." But he's wrong. I don't think it's going to be easy at all.
[Posted by G.W.] 2:13 p.m.

Wednesday, Dec. 13, 2000
Well folks, Gore has finally given up. But we're having a problem. Six or seven times this morning my phone rings, and this guy on the other end says, "George, this is A... this is A... this is... I can't do it." and he hangs up. I got caller ID, so I know it's him.
[Posted by G.W.] 9:49 a.m.

"Hang-up Al" called again. But this time, I was ready. "George, this is A... this is A..." he says, and I interrupt him. "Al, look, I know this is hard for you. Let's do this. You know that movie All the President's Men?" and he says, "Do you have to use the P word?" so I know it's Al. And I tell him how in that movie, Bernstein gets confirmation from a source by counting to 10. If the guy on the other end doesn't hang up the phone by the time Bernstein gets to 10, it's a confirmation. So that's what we do.
"Al," I say, "I'm gonna count to 10. If you're conceding, stay on the line. If you're not, hang up before I get to 10. Got it?"
"So if I hang up before you get to 10, you concede?" he says.
"No, Al, other way around."
"Okay okay. Got it."
So I count: 1... 2... 3... 5... 6... 4...7... 9...10. He doesn't hang up. "Thanks for conceding, Al," I say.
"I didn't concede," he says. "You did."
"What? No, you didn't hang up, so you conceded."
"That's not the rules you set up for this..."
"Al, you didn't hang up, so you conceded."
...
"Al?"
"You didn't count right. Count again."
"Been there done that, Al."
"But I... I won the popular vote you know."
"So...?"
"I want you to concede that much."
"All right, you won the popular vote. But I get to be President."
"... yeah, I guess."
"Good. You got anything else to say? I gotta get to healing the nation."
"I still don't think you counted right."
"Fine. I'll do it again. 1-2-3-5-6-4-7-9-10. There! You didn't hang up, you conceded, race over. Goodbye Al."
So I hang up. Then the phone rings again. I answer.
"George, you hung up. So you're conceding?
"Goodbye Al."
[Posted by G.W.] 9:59 a.m.

Tuesday, Dec. 12, 2000
Just got a second here, but I have to get this off my chest. It's something no one's talking about, and every time I bring it up, my people just stare at me. Here's the thing: everybody talks about how the Supreme Court is divided along liberal/conservative lines and how it might go 5-4. But what if the vote is 5-5?
Think about that for a second. I did.
[Posted by G.W.] 3:14 p.m.

Monday, Dec. 11, 2000
Talked to Jeb today. We were laughing at how all these news stories kept saying he beat me to the White House after all. Truth is, despite what people keep saying, I'm not mad at Jeb about Florida, and when all this is over, I'm going to treat him to the dinner he deserves.
[Posted by G.W.] 6:41 p.m.

Honest, I've forgotten about it. I'm a forgiving guy. For instance, somebody sent me a link to a Web site that had all these pictures of me next to chimpanzees. Said I looked like one. Didn't find it funny at all. Sure, I coulda got upset about it, but that site's already disappeared, and I figured free speech is more important than my personal feelings anyway. Besides, it gave me this idea. Now that's funny.
[Posted by G.W.] 8:41 p.m.

Saturday, Dec. 09, 2000
Sorry to say, but my people are losing it. One of my aides just came in screaming, and I swear this is what he said: "Governor, the Supreme Court ordered a halt and brrrawk resigned!" Okay, I got the Supreme Court thing, people been sending me that story for an hour. But what's up with the squawking parrot act? I told him to calm down, tell me real slow who resigned, but he just kept saying "Brrrawk! Brrrawk!" I'm not gonna say who this aide is, but he's never gone looney tunes before.
[Posted by G.W.] 3:41 p.m.

Whoops. Did I goof up with that last note! "Looney Tunes" is supposed to be capitalized! My bad.
[Posted by G.W.] 3:48 p.m.

Oh, check this news out. Seems important. Someone shoulda told me.
[Posted by G.W.] 4:41 p.m.

Friday, Dec. 08, 2000
Well hell in a horse blanket. I can't believe this is happening. The Florida Supreme Court just ordered a manuel recount. Just wait until I tell Cheney. This'll kill him.
[Posted by G.W.] 4:15 p.m.

Sorry, that didn't come out right.
[Posted by G.W.] 4:18 p.m.

Thursday, Dec. 07, 2000
Bummed today. I was just over at the Grolier's site, reading up on being president, and I saw in the last paragraph where it says "no president can be elected more than twice." Dang. I've already been elected twice in the past month, so I guess this'll be my last term. [Posted by G.W.] 1:15 p.m.

Wednesday, Dec. 06, 2000
Well, I don't mind saying, if I'm going to go from governor to president, at least I'm going out on top. Set a record yesterday: 38 executions this year. Not set in stone. Still got three weeks left to break 40. (I got 42 in the office pool; wish me luck.)
[Posted by G.W.] 11:47 a.m.

Come to think of it, I'm gonna miss that part of being governor. I think capital punishment is a state thing.
[Posted by G.W.] 12:15 p.m.

Hey, good news. I was just getting briefed by the CIA again, and, well, I can't divulge the exact nature of our conversation, but let's just say that they didn't think breaking 40 would be a problem. ;-)
[Posted by G.W.] 2:45 p.m.

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Tuesday, Dec. 05, 2000
Hey folks. Snuck into my room to get away from those creepy CIA guys who came to brief me today. God almighty they're dull. They're obsessed with all these tiny "hot spots" -- places you've never heard of, like Oozbeckystan. But you ask them the big questions, like "Who really shot Kennedy?" and they just look at each other like I'm an idiot. Every time they do that, I know their hiding something because Dad looks at me the same way, and he used to be head of the CIA.
[Posted by G.W.] 10:32 a.m.

Monday, Dec. 04, 2000
The Supreme Court today set aside that Florida ruling that allowed the hand recount to be late. Baker says this means I might get to be president pretty soon. But I'm not so sure I want it anymore. First, I'm going to have to deal with a split Congress, and now I read that the next president may face a recession. I don't want to end up a one-termer like Dad, so I said I wanted to concede and stick Gore with the economy. But Baker said I can't concede 'cause I won. Got in a big 'ol fight about it. Told Jim if he wouldn't let me concede, I'd take it to court. And I will, soon as Jim lets me out of my room. I didn't know the doors could lock from the outside.
[Posted by G.W.] 12:25 p.m.

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