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Wednesday, June 06, 2001
Anyone see this report that came out last night? Somethin' called the U.S. Commission on Civil Rights says the election in Florida was heavily biased against minorities. Wants my attorney general to investigate. I appreciate the sentiment, I really do, but I can't support that. Way I see it, even with these biases, the minority still managed to win, so I'm willin' to let bygones be bygones. No hard feelin's.
[Posted by G.W.] 12:37 a.m.

To be honest, I'm kinda relieved. I was worried the report was gonna say the election was biased against majorities. Don't know what I'da done then.
[Posted by G.W.] 12:41 a.m.

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Monday, June 04, 2001
That's the last time I invite my Dad to watch a T-ball game at the White House. You know T-ball. It's that game where instead of pitching, they set the baseball up on a plastic tee and the kids swing at it. So yesterday we have these two teams playin' on the South Lawn, and I'm sittin' there with Laura and Jeb and my Mom and Dad, and this cute little fella gets up and gives it a really hard swing. But he misses. And Dad gets really ugly. "God, this is embarrassing!" he yells. "I mean, c'mon, you had it all set up just like you wanted. All you had to do was keep your eye on the ball. But noooo Mr. Big Shot! You had to get all cocky and arrogant. Well, you blew it, you little shrimp! Now you dug yourself a hole you'll never get out of!" And he just storms off.
"Geez," I whisper to Mom. "Dad shouldn't be hecklin' the kid. He's only 8."
"Oh George," Mom says, and pats me on the forearm. "He wasn't talking to the ballplayer."
[Posted by G.W.] 9:55 a.m.

Thursday, May 31, 2001
Y'all probably heard my daughter Jenna did it again. Got caught tryin' to pass herself off as older than what she really is. What I don't get is why this is such a big deal. In my family, it's a tradition for the women to always come off lookin' way, way older than they really are. Worked okay for my Dad.
[Posted by G.W.] 12:05 a.m.

Friday May 25, 2001
Here's what gets me about Jim Jeffords. They say he left on account of me and my folks were arrogant and vindictive and didn't listen to him. Well I respectfully disagree with that, but I'm willin' to make amends. Fact, I'm gonna ask my whole government to pay super close attention to Jim Jeffords from now on. Startin' with. the IRS. Then maybe the FBI if they don't find anything.
[Posted by G.W.] 2:35 p.m.

Monday, May 14, 2001
Okay, so I guess it came out wrong.
[Posted by G.W.] 4:35 p.m.

Thursday, May 10, 2001
I'd like to say this plagiarizin' scandal at the University of Virginia was just a college cheatin' thing, but turns out it's not. Yesterday I had three Senate leaders over to talk about the budget they got to vote on: Chuck Grassley, Arlen Specter, and Judd Gregg. They all open up their budget proposals and Chuck starts readin' out a his, and I'm kinda walkin' round listenin', and I peer over Arlen's shoulder and, hey, his budget says the same thing. Chuck's readin' out a his own proposal, and here it is, word for word, in Arlen's! So I kinda sneak a peak at Judd's. Ditto!
"Hold up there Chuck," I say, "I may not be the swiftest fella on the planet, but I know plagiary when I see it. Y'all have the same exact papers."

"Well, yes sir," says Chuck. "They're identical copies."
They admit it. Just like that. So I ask if all 200 senators got identical copies. This gets Chuck to squirmin' at least. "200? Well, no sir," he says. "Just, you know, the 100."

All right, so at least not everybody's cheatin'. But still, half the senate is a lot.
[Posted by G.W.] 11:21 a.m.

Monday, May 7, 2001
You know, it's true what they say that behind every great man there's a great teacher. That Aristotle guy had Playdoh. My daddy, he had some Yale professor. And it's the same with me. Truth is, I'd a never made it through college without this man, and now he's gone. Only wish I could make it to the funeral.
[Posted by G.W.] 10:25 a.m.

Friday, May 4, 2001
Another uh-oh. Somebody oughta have told me it was important.
[Posted by G.W.] 11:55 a.m.

Thursday, May 3, 2001
Weak? They called me weak? They don't even know me! Lord I am angry. That story the Chinese put out about me is wrong all the way 'round. I'm gonna take this point by point, so hang with me:

  • First, the Chinese say that 'cause I wanna put up this missile shield, our European allies think I'm a "egoist." Wrong! I called Jacques Chirac myself and asked if they all thought that, and he told me, quote: "We never said 'egoist.' We said ee-dee-it.'"
  • They also say my "whole-hearted wish is to cast off the shadow of ' the weak president '." Not true. I love my Dad.
  • They say my "excessive acts and words" over the whole spy plane crack-up and the Taiwan arms thing are "all connected to this state of mind." Baloney. There is nothin' connected to my mind. You ask Dick Cheney!
  • They say, "Once in power, a man will try to make full use of his power.'' Okay, that's true. But my attorney general told me I can't arrest Congressmen for not havin' lunch with me, so I'm not gonna push it.
  • Last, they say I'm stallin' the peace process in Korea by takin' a "more skeptical stance toward Pyongyang." Big obvious lie! Who the hell is Pyongyang? I don't even know any Pyongyangs! See, they're just makin' things up!
    [Posted by G.W.] 12:41 p.m.

Tuesday, May 1, 2001
[Posted by G.W.] 5:05 p.m.

Friday, April 27, 2001
Don't know why, maybe 'cause it's late and I'm tired, but I wanna get semimental for just a minute and talk about my family. Sometimes I won't lie and say I haven't wished I had a son to follow in my footsteps like I followed in Dad's, but right now, I'm proud as can be of my daughter Jenna. That little girl may just follow her Daddy after all. Looks like she has all the makin's of a real president.
[Posted by G.W.] 10:45 p.m.

Wednesday, April 25, 2001
The United States didn't "cave in" to Chinese pressure. We remain very commitated to the defense of our amigos in Taiwan. But yes, we did scale back on the weapons we're selling 'em. A little bit. But we throw in the hats for free.
[Posted by G.W.] 9:45 a.m.

Monday, April 23, 2001
458 pages. That's a lot of pages. And I know what people are sayin' already, that I did a lot of glad-handin', but I wasn't all that involved in the particulars of this new FTAA trade zone agreement. But that's wrong. Fact is, I was payin' super close attention. I even took extensive notes.
[Posted by G.W.] 1:35 p.m.

Wednesday, April 18, 2001
Gotta say I'm disturbed by this new poll that just came out. Seems folks were asked who they'd want to run the country if it was a distressed business, and the biggest percentage of people said they'd hand the government over to Microsoft. Problem is, we live in a Democracy. You can't allow one business to run the government. You gotta let 'em all run it.
[Posted by G.W.] 11:54 a.m.

Tuesday, April 17, 2001
I know Earth Day's comin' up, so I wanna spend a sec talkin' about energy. You probably heard my budget cuts back on alternative energy funding like what you get from the Sun. But folks, gettin' energy from the Sun is just bad business. Think about it. Dependin' on energy from other countries is bad enough, but you wanna start depending on energy from another planet? I don't. I mean, once we get dependent on the Sun for our energy, what's to keep the Sunarians, or whatever they're called, from cuttin' back on production like OPEC does? What's to keep 'em from hikin' prices? What are we gonna do then? We can't retaliate. Hell, they're on another planet. So we end up bein' worse off than we are now.
[Posted by G.W.] 11:54 a.m.

And another thing: over at the Sun, you know, they use nuclear energy. That's dangerous stuff. What if they have a meltdown like they did over at Chernobyl? You think the Sunarians are gonna tell us about it? Hell, they never talk to us now, what makes you think they're gonna suddenly up and admit to somethin' like that? They're not gonna do it. You can put your money on the Sun if you wanna, but as for me, I got gas.
[Posted by G.W.] 12:07 p.m.

Monday, April 16, 2001
Now I know some people think I'm famous, and a lot of people want to be like me, but as I keep pointing out, it's not really me that's famous, it's the office of the president that's famous. But with any luck, all that's gonna change. I'm gonna be famous in my own right. You see, I entered this contest that NBCi is having where the winners get 30 seconds of air time on this NBC show called "Ed." You can say whatever you want, but I read where NBC figures most folks'll send Mother's Day messages or tell off their bosses. Well I didn't want to take chances, so I did both. I wrote a message to Jiang Zemin's mother tellin' her where to get off! (God knows I couldn't write that to Jiang Zemin.)
[Posted by G.W.] 3:45 p.m.

Here's what I said:
Happy Mother's Day to you
Happy Mother's Day to you
Happy Mother's Day Jiang Zemin's Mommy...
Happy Mother's Day to you!
[Posted by G.W.] 3:47 p.m.

Well, the way I interpret it I told her where to get off. I reckon' the Chinese may translate it different.
[Posted by G.W.] 3:49 p.m.

Thursday, April 12, 2001
"Thank God they were freed when they were." This is what Dick Cheney says to me last night. So I ask why, and he says "Because we won't have to use your idea from the other day."
I know Dick's just kiddin'. He loves my ideas. Hell, everyone (give or take 50.1 percent) loves my ideas. Like that email thing. Y'all probably heard how I don't use email anymore because emails tend to get made public. That was one of my ideas. So now I use the phone to keep stuff private. Like the other day, my daughter calls to say she got sick from a chuggin' contest at a fraternity party. She's all upset, sayin' she messed up and was sorry. I said next time, you got to let the beer set out for a while and get good and flat. That way there's less bubbles, so you get less gas, can drink it faster, and won't get sick. Now if I'd said that in an email, you know it would get out. But now it's just 'tween her and me.
[Posted by G.W.] 10:15 a.m.

Um, anybody know if Weblogs are part of the public record?
[Posted by G.W.] 10:25 a.m.

 Monday, April 9, 2001
Got it! Got it! Got it! We get them to VOTE each other off the island! Seriously, y'all think about this for just a minute, 'cause I did. You've got a bunch of men and women stuck way out on an island in the Pacific, and everybody in America is just riveted to their TVs wondering what's going to happen. That's a fact. So we tell the Chinese that those folks aren't spies, they're the cast of Survivor 3: Adventure on Hainan. That way, all our people have to do is sit around in a circle every three days to vote somebody off. The Chinese would have to let 'em go, 'cause everybody knows once you're voted off, you can't stay. That's a rule.
[Posted by G.W.] 12:39 p.m.

Honest, I think they'll fall for that, 'cause I know I would.
[Posted by G.W.] 12:41 p.m.

Friday, March 30, 2001
Y'all ever been in a real greenhouse? Pretty, isn't it? Big colored flowers all over the place. Everything's so warm and quiet. So I put it to you, how bad a gas can carbon dioxide be if they use it in greenhouses? People don't just think things through, I guess. Or maybe it's something even more unthinkable
[Posted by G.W.] 12:54 p.m.

Thursday, March 29, 2001
"International incident." That's all I been hearin' since I threw that German imposter out of my office a little while ago. "Mr. President, you've created an international incident." But it's not my fault. What happened was, I was supposed to meet with Schroeder, right? I was lookin' forward to it. Hell, I was excited. I mean, Schroeder has been one of my favorites since I was a kid. But the guy shows up and right away I'm suspicious.
"Mr. President," he says, "it's an honor to meet you."
"Same here," I say. "Where's your blanket?"
"Blanket?" he says.
"Yeah, your little blanket.
"I don't understand."
"You never go anywhere without that blanket. Everybody knows that."
"But I don't have a little blanket."
I find this really angering, so I tell my aides to toss him. They disagreed. They said, "But he's the President of Germany!" But I said I didn't care if he was the Emperor of China. A faker is a faker in my book.
[Posted by G.W.] 1:17 p.m.

Uh-oh. Turns out Linus is the one with the blanket. Schroeder's got the little piano. Damn. I'll make it up to him. Maybe he can come back and do a concert for me.
[Posted by G.W.] 1:29 p.m.

Wednesday, March 21, 2001
Not to boast, but I believe I have beaten down the environmentalists. Lemme explain. I won't limit carbon dioxide emissions at power plants, I wanna drill for oil in Alaska, I won't ban loggin' on federal land, I wanna suspend rules on mining on public lands, and I wanna relax limits on how much arsenic we oughta have in drinkin' water. All that should have the wildlife folks redder'n a hen in heat, right? Stompin' mad, right? But they're not. Fact is, every time I talk to 'em, they use words that would make you think they oppose me, but they're hollow words. Flat. Like their heart's just not in it. So I musta beaten 'em down. I mean, what else could it be?
[Posted by G.W.] 4:15 p.m.

Tuesday, March 20, 2001
Okay, I was wrong. "Hispanically" is not a word. But I don't know why not. I mean, if African Americanly is a word, then Hispanically oughtta be a word.
[Posted by G.W.] 10:22 a.m.

Okay, I am told that African Americanly is not a word either.
[Posted by G.W.] 10:37 a.m.

Well hell, so what if presidents make up words. Why can't we? All the big-time writers get to do it. Like Dr. Seuss. Nobody blinks when he says silly stuff like, "They blew on bazookas and blasted great toots, on clarinets, omm-pahs and boom-pahs and flutes." But no, if I try usin' words like "bazookas" and "clarinets," everybody says, "Oh, there goes W. makin' things up again!" It's double standardish.
[Posted by G.W.] 11:05 a.m.

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Friday, March 16, 2001
Every year around St. Patrick's Day, we celebrate St. Patrick's Day, even if we're not Irish American. (Although, frankly, I think on St. Patrick's Day, we all have a little Irish in us. God knows I do.) So in honor of the occasion, I've done a little research. Here's three things I learned:
¤ When St. Patrick was alive, he wasn't a saint, but he did all this really hard work anyway, like chasing all the snakes out of the country. Then he dies, and doesn't do anything to speak of for years, and then the Vatican names him a saint. I bet he wonders why he put in the extra effort in the first place.
¤ Leprechauns, those wee little folk, are real. I haven't seen any, but in the Clinton administration, there were not one, but two.
¤ In Ireland, Irish people are not called Irish Americans. They're called Irish. I'm serious.
[Posted by G.W.] 4:53 a.m.

Tuesday, March 13, 2001
People have asked, "Mr. President, you have more time for surfin' the Net than your predecessor, so what are your favorite sites?" Here's a few I visit every day:
¤ Cheney Heart Watch — Sometimes Dick doesn't like to let on how he's doin', and now he doesn't have to.
¤ Tony the Tiger Secret Assignment page — Us Tony the Tiger Secret Agents are supposed to be good at keepin' secrets, so I'm not gonna say too much about this site.
¤ Topological Methods in Nonlinear (Mathematical) Analysis — This is my "panic" page, like if I'm at Tony the Tiger and my chief of staff walks in and I don't want him to know what my secret assignment is, one click and I'm here instead. I have no idea what it's about.
¤ High Times — No, nothing like that. It's just that being president, I'm kinda father to the whole country, so I need to keep in touch with the young person's world. Personally, this site means nothing to me. (Although I thought the part about misting plants with carbonated water to give them extra oxygen and increase bud growth was interesting.)
[Posted by G.W.] 11:53 a.m.

Thursday, March 8, 2001
Poor Dick Cheney. Since the hospital, his mind really wanders. Like today. We're talking about that repetitive stress law we just got repealed, and he says his recent heart problems are directly due to repetitive stress at work, and now he wishes the rule was still good 'cause he'd be covered. So I say, "Aw hell, Dick, we don't need a regulation. You tell me what's causin' the stress, and I'll get rid of it."
And then outta the blue he says, "But where will you go?"
[Posted by G.W.] 4:55 p.m.

Monday, March 5, 2001
Let's find out how hip y'all are today. See, there's this thing going around the bloggin' community (of which I am a member). Kinda a techie thing. Apparently there's this game called Zero Wing where one of the characters says "All your base are belong to us." They say it's a bad translation for "All of your bases belong to us," although it sounds fine to me. Well, for some reason, all across the Net people started puttin' this "All Your Base Are Belong To Us" message everywhere, doctorin' photos and such. Y'all have a look at 'em (gotta scroll down).. Now, I think people are already sick of it, which is a good time for my administration to get involved. So me and Colin Powell and John Ashcroft, we each did one, which y'all can see right here.
[Posted by G.W.] 1:45 p.m.


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