INVESTORS STUNNED TO LEARN CISCO NOT JUST
STOCK, ALSO COMPANY THAT MAKES THINGS
San Jose, Cal. — The rumors about Cisco Systems have been circulating for months, but the earnings warning and plunge in its share price Tuesday left little doubt in investors' minds that Cisco is not just a famous stock, but may in fact have been operating as a large company that makes complex and incomprehensible equipment related to high technology.
TECH FIRMS FILE FOR INTELLECTUAL BANKRUPTCY
Ashburn, Va. — A week after stating it may have to file for Chapter 11 bankruptcy but nonetheless wants to continue paying $105 million for the 20-year naming rights to a professional football stadium, Internet service provider PSINet today became the first public company to be given protection under the nation's new Chapter 51 intellectual bankruptcy laws.
DOTCOM MANIA LOOMS AS LOUDCLOUD
IPO SOARS MORE THAN 1/8 POINT
Sunnyvale, Calif. — The stock of Internet infrastructure firm Loudcloud soared almost 3/16 of a point in its recent IPO, setting a record for 2001 dot-com debuts and leading many to worry that investors will be caught up in some kind of "dot-com mania" that inspires them to bid up anything Internet related.
THE PRODIGAL.COM SON RETURNS
A Retirement Community — If your son were one of those... dot-commers, how would you feel?
THE INTERNET YEAR IN REVIEW
Palo Alto, Calif. — Do you remember a time when Napster was going to change the world, and the Microsoft trial was almost entertaining? Remember when Priceline was a $90 stock? Or even a $10 stock? How about $2? We didn't either, but after extensive research, SatireWire is proud to bring you the Internet Year that Was, a blatantly revisionist reminiscence that promises to be really painful if you're still holding Fogdog.com.
Editorial: MEDIA SHOULD BRING BACK OUR BELOVED BUBBLE
New Haven, Conn. — The End, so they claim, has finally come. The Internet Bubble has burst, and the New Economy's New Clothes have been exposed for what they aren't. But it doesn't have to be this way. The Media can, and should, bring back our beloved Bubble.
RIOT ERUPTS AT DOT-COM REFUGEE CAMP
Near Emeryville, Cal. — Overcrowded conditions and a controversial visit from famed venture capitalist John Doerr sparked a riot yesterday at Dot-Camp Alpha, a refugee camp that houses nearly 18,000 laid-off dot-com workers. The violence, primarily between rival B2B and B2C factions, left 14 dead, scores injured, and hundreds of startup business plans discredited.
SALLY STRUTHERS ASKS YOU TO SAVE THE DOT-COMS
New York, N.Y. — Right now, all over the world, dot-coms are hurting. They are suffering from cash-flow shortfalls. They lack earnings and even the most basic of revenue models. All that is needed is someone who will look into the eyes of a needy dot-com and say, 'Yes, I will help.' Someone like you.
WOULD PRICELINE GET FUNDED TODAY?
Stamford, Conn. — It's often said that if someone approached the FDA with aspirin today, the product would never be approved. Would the same hold true for Priceline, Yahoo, and other big Internet players? If they took their ideas to their version of the FDA — venture capitalists — would they be "approved," or would VCs ignore them like a banner ad?
INTERNET CONVERTS TO "PREMIUM SERVICES" ONLY
Cupertino, Cal. — With banner ad revenue in retreat, every major Internet company today announced it would offer only "premium services" — programs that may look similar to their original services, but are different, said one company spokesman, "because the old services weren't called 'Premium.'"
POSTCARDS FROM THE EX
San Jose, Cal. — Pre-Internet companies have lost considerable talent to online upstarts in the past few years, but now that reality has put the doubt in dot.com, old economy firms have started getting back in touch with their ex-employees to let them know they're still bitter. More...
PROSTIDOTS: STARTUPS SELL THEMSELVES CHEAP
Mountain View, Cal. — They are young, quite often attractive, and down on their luck. Desperate for money, they are forced to sell themselves for whatever they can get. They are the latest Internet startups, the prostidots.
"THE CLICK SENSE" — BOY SEES DEAD DOT-COMS
San Jose, Cal. — After months of therapy, an 8-year-old Silicon Valley boy revealed today that he can see dead dot-coms everywhere, an experience that has left him paralyzed with fear, caused his classmates to call him "freak," and given him the idea for a major motion picture.
Read the screenplay!
IF AT FIRST YOU DON'T SUCCEED, POINT THAT OUT
New Haven, Conn. — Internet workers take heart. According to a major career consultant, fired Internet company workers are "even more hirable" because of their experience with failure. So what are out-of-work dot-commers to do? Rewrite those resumes to highlight the crucial roles they played in bringing down their employers. SatireWire provides some cover-letter samples.
DOT-COMS "JUST KIDDING" ABOUT
BEING DOT-COMS, SAY DOT-COMS
San Jose, Cal. — Arguing they are being unfairly labeled as money-losing dot-coms, nearly 400 money-losing dot-coms announced this week they were "just kidding about that dot-com bit," and should really be considered profitable Old Economy businesses.
DOT-COM REFUGEES: LIFE IN CAMP ALPHA
Near Emeryville, Cal. — Since the fall of Internet stocks began in April, former dot-com employees, forced from their jobs, have made their way to Dot-Camp Alpha, a makeshift settlement on a barren hillside in Silicon Valley. Despite its lack of even the most basic facilities — plumbing, air hockey, on-site masseuse — the camp has swelled to nearly 5,000 lost souls. SatireWire editor Treat Warland reports from the front.
LAYOFFS, STOCK DROPS PROVE FIRMS BOASTING
THEY'D BE "NEXT AMAZON" WERE RIGHT
Reston, Va. — Investors know Internet companies often can't back up their promises, but one common boast has some dot-com executives crowing "I told you so." Several online firms that once predicted they would be "the Amazon.com" of their markets have come through, Amazon-style, by laying off staff and watching their stock prices fall through the floor. A few have even exceeded expectations by closing up shop entirely.
FED PRESCRIBES 'CONTROLLED BURN' OF DOT.COMS
Washington, D.C. — Comparing the Internet to an uncontrolled and overcrowded forest, the Federal Reserve today authorized a "prescribed burn" to incinerate the vast majority of Internet companies, a move the Fed hopes will thwart inflation by depriving the blazing U.S. economy of fuel.
INTERNET DIVE FORCES FIRMS TO USE 'MONEY'
Santa Clara, Cal. — The Internet stock drop has done more than just lop off paper profits. Start-ups, which once regularly paid for goods and services in stock, have been forced to switch to an arcane form of payment called 'money,' a dramatic shift that has confounded both start-ups and those who once took equity for their work.