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DOT POPULI
An evolving collection of reader favorites on SatireWire:

RELIGIOUS MERGER CREATES 900 MILLION HINJEWS
New Delhi, India — Hinjew leaders today conceded the merger of Hinduism and Judaism has not worked out as planned, as instead of forming a super-religion to fight off the common Islamic enemy, they have instead created a race of 900 million people who, no matter how many times they are reincarnated, can never please their mothers.  More...

Egan's Law Passed
POLICE MUST NOTIFY RESIDENTS WHEN
CATHOLIC CHURCH MOVES INTO NEIGHBORHOOD

Trenton, N.J. — Under a new law designed to protect minors, local police departments will now be required to inform residents any time a known Roman Catholic church moves into their neighborhood.  More...

FBI TO ISSUE 5-DAY TERROR FORECASTS
Washington, D.C. — Abandoning the last-minute, panic-inducing warning system it has used until now, the FBI today said it will begin issuing regular, five-day terror forecasts. Today's outlook: light, scattered terrorism early, tapering off by noon. Tomorrow: Clear, and seasonably dangerous.  More...

CANADIAN WARSHIP SEIZES TANKER IN... WAIT...
CANADA HAS A WARSHIP?

Arabian Sea — Canadian television reported Friday that a Canadian warship in the Arabian Sea had seized a tanker suspected of smuggling oil from Iraq, leading many to suspect that the report was a hoax.  More...

ANGERED BY SNUBBING, LIBYA, CHINA
SYRIA FORM AXIS OF JUST AS EVIL

Beijing — Bitter after being snubbed for membership in the "Axis of Evil," Libya, China, and Syria today announced they had formed the "Axis of Just as Evil," which they said would be way eviler than that stupid Iran-Iraq-North Korea axis President Bush warned of his State of the Union address.  More...

AUSTRALIA GETS DRUNK, WAKES UP IN NORTH ATLANTIC
Sydney, 800 miles S. of Nova Scotia — After what witnesses described as an all night blinder during which it kept droning on about how it was always being bloody ignored by the whole bloody world and would bloody well stand to do something about it, Australia this morning woke up to find itself in the middle of the North Atlantic.  More...

ENRON ADMITS IT'S REALLY ARGENTINA
Houston, Texas — Having collapsed due to gross mismanagement and insurmountable debt, energy company Enron today confessed to what many observers had long suspected: it is actually Argentina  More...

INTERVIEW WITH THE SEARCH ENGINE
Emeryville, Cal. (SatireWire.com) — An exclusive, penetrating, and highly frustrating interview with Jeeves of AskJeeves.com, who explains how the Internet is somewhat like a non-arthritic New Zealand bee.  More...

CASE SETTLED: JUSTICE TO BREAK UP APPLE
FOR TURNING MICROSOFT INTO MONOPOLY

Redmond, Wash. — Microsoft and the U.S. Justice Department Friday announced a settlement in their landmark anti-trust case that calls for the break up of Apple Computer, as both sides agreed Apple's history of "self-inflicted, anti-competitive" management practices is primarily to blame for turning Microsoft into an illegal monopoly.  More...

STUDY FINDS YOU REALLY DON'T MAKE A DIFFERENCE
London, England — In an unprecedented study, British and American researchers have concluded that despite what you've been told at work, you don't really make a difference, and are not remotely integral to your company's success.  More...

FOOT-AND-MOUTH BELIEVED TO BE FIRST VIRUS
UNABLE TO SPREAD THROUGH MICROSOFT OUTLOOK

Atlanta, Ga. — Scientists at the Centers for Disease Control today confirmed that foot-and-mouth disease cannot be spread by Microsoft's Outlook email application, believed to be the first time the program has ever failed to propagate a major virus.  More...

AMERICANS ANNOYED BY "ALL THIS
INTERNATIONAL SHIT" ON THE INTERNET

Pullman, Wash. — The profusion of international news available on the Internet has made it increasingly difficult for the average American to ignore the rest of the world, a trend researchers say threatens Americans' long, proud history of disregarding anything not about them.  More...

M.I.T. SPAM STUDY FINDS INSTANT WEALTH,
SEXY COEDS JUST A CLICK AWAY!

Cambridge, Mass. (SatireWire.com) — A two-year M.I.T. study of unsolicited email, or "spam," has concluded that you can earn $50,000 in the next 90 days by sending e-mail from your home, which is located near a college where sex-crazed coeds are anxious to meet you.  More...

ELLISON TO GRADS: DIPLOMAS ARE FOR LOSERS
New Haven, Conn. (SatireWire.com) — In one of the more controversial commencement addresses in memory, Oracle CEO and college dropout Larry Ellison told Yale's Class of 2000 they were "losers" whose hard-won diplomas would never propel them into the ranks of the super rich.  More...

EMPLOYEE-SLAPPING WIDESPREAD, EFFECTIVE
New York, N.Y. (SatireWire.com) — Frustrated by a tight labor market that has forced them to make unprecedented concessions to employees, several dozen American companies have instituted "employee-slapping" policies, allowing managers to slap workers pretty much whenever they damn well please.  More...


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