DOT POPULI
An evolving
collection of reader favorites on SatireWire:
RELIGIOUS MERGER CREATES 900 MILLION HINJEWS
New Delhi, India — Hinjew leaders today conceded the merger of Hinduism and Judaism has not worked out as planned, as instead of forming a super-religion to fight off the common Islamic enemy, they have instead created a race of 900 million people who, no matter how many times they are reincarnated, can never please their mothers.
More...
Egan's Law Passed
POLICE MUST NOTIFY RESIDENTS WHEN
CATHOLIC CHURCH MOVES INTO NEIGHBORHOOD
Trenton, N.J. —
Under a new law designed to protect minors, local police departments will
now be required to inform residents any time a known Roman Catholic church
moves into their neighborhood. More...
FBI TO
ISSUE 5-DAY TERROR FORECASTS
Washington, D.C.
— Abandoning the last-minute, panic-inducing warning system it has
used until now, the FBI today said it will begin issuing regular, five-day
terror forecasts. Today's outlook: light, scattered terrorism early, tapering
off by noon. Tomorrow: Clear, and seasonably dangerous. More...
CANADIAN
WARSHIP SEIZES TANKER IN... WAIT...
CANADA HAS A WARSHIP?
Arabian Sea —
Canadian television reported Friday that a Canadian warship in the Arabian
Sea had seized a tanker suspected of smuggling oil from Iraq, leading
many to suspect that the report was a hoax. More...
ANGERED
BY SNUBBING, LIBYA, CHINA
SYRIA FORM AXIS OF JUST AS EVIL
Beijing —
Bitter after being snubbed for membership in the "Axis of Evil," Libya,
China, and Syria today announced they had formed the "Axis of Just as
Evil," which they said would be way eviler than that stupid Iran-Iraq-North
Korea axis President Bush warned of his State of the Union address. More...
AUSTRALIA
GETS DRUNK, WAKES UP IN NORTH ATLANTIC
Sydney, 800 miles
S. of Nova Scotia — After what witnesses described as an all night
blinder during which it kept droning on about how it was always being
bloody ignored by the whole bloody world and would bloody well stand to
do something about it, Australia this morning woke up to find itself in
the middle of the North Atlantic. More...
ENRON
ADMITS IT'S REALLY ARGENTINA
Houston, Texas —
Having collapsed due to gross mismanagement and insurmountable debt, energy
company Enron today confessed to what many observers had long suspected:
it is actually Argentina More...
INTERVIEW
WITH THE SEARCH ENGINE
Emeryville,
Cal. (SatireWire.com) — An exclusive, penetrating, and
highly frustrating interview with Jeeves of AskJeeves.com, who explains
how the Internet is somewhat like a non-arthritic New Zealand bee. More...
CASE
SETTLED: JUSTICE TO BREAK UP APPLE
FOR TURNING MICROSOFT INTO MONOPOLY
Redmond, Wash. —
Microsoft and the U.S. Justice Department Friday announced a settlement
in their landmark anti-trust case that calls for the break up of Apple
Computer, as both sides agreed Apple's history of "self-inflicted, anti-competitive"
management practices is primarily to blame for turning Microsoft into
an illegal monopoly. More...
STUDY
FINDS YOU REALLY DON'T MAKE A DIFFERENCE
London, England
— In an unprecedented study, British and American researchers have
concluded that despite what you've been told at work, you don't really
make a difference, and are not remotely integral to your company's success.
More...
FOOT-AND-MOUTH
BELIEVED TO BE FIRST VIRUS
UNABLE TO SPREAD THROUGH MICROSOFT OUTLOOK
Atlanta, Ga. —
Scientists at the Centers for Disease Control today confirmed that foot-and-mouth
disease cannot be spread by Microsoft's Outlook email application, believed
to be the first time the program has ever failed to propagate a major
virus. More...
AMERICANS
ANNOYED BY "ALL THIS
INTERNATIONAL SHIT" ON THE INTERNET
Pullman, Wash. —
The profusion of international news available on the Internet has made
it increasingly difficult for the average American to ignore the rest
of the world, a trend researchers say threatens Americans' long, proud
history of disregarding anything not about them. More...
M.I.T.
SPAM STUDY FINDS INSTANT WEALTH,
SEXY COEDS JUST A CLICK AWAY!
Cambridge,
Mass. (SatireWire.com) — A two-year M.I.T. study of unsolicited
email, or "spam," has concluded that you can earn $50,000 in the next
90 days by sending e-mail from your home, which is located near a college
where sex-crazed coeds are anxious to meet you. More...
ELLISON
TO GRADS: DIPLOMAS ARE FOR LOSERS
New Haven,
Conn. (SatireWire.com) — In one of the more controversial
commencement addresses in memory, Oracle CEO and college dropout Larry
Ellison told Yale's Class of 2000 they were "losers" whose hard-won diplomas
would never propel them into the ranks of the super rich. More...
EMPLOYEE-SLAPPING
WIDESPREAD, EFFECTIVE
New York,
N.Y. (SatireWire.com) — Frustrated by a tight labor market
that has forced them to make unprecedented concessions to employees, several
dozen American companies have instituted "employee-slapping" policies,
allowing managers to slap workers pretty much whenever they damn well
please. More...
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