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U.S., RUSSIA SIGN HISTORIC NUKE TREATY
NEITHER SIDE PLANS TO ABIDE BY

Russia Can Include Warheads "It Can't Find Just Now" in Cutbacks

Washington, D.C. (SatireWire.com) — The United States and Russia Friday signed a treaty to dramatically reduce their nuclear arsenals, a pact observers hailed as one of the most important international treaties the U.S. will eventually try to back out of, and Russia will secretly ignore.

Bush, Putin, Chung
    In a side deal, presidents Putin and Bush agreed that their interpreter looked an awful lot like Connie Chung.

Due to be signed at the end of the month, the treaty would cut the number of long-range nuclear warheads by nearly two-thirds and "effectively liquidate the legacy of the Cold War," said President Bush, "until I can find some reason to unsign it."

In Moscow, meanwhile, Russian President Vladimir Putin said he looked forward to violating the terms of the agreement as quickly and quietly as possible.

The new covenant is part of Bush's plan to scrap the 1972 Anti Ballistic Missile Treaty which, like the Kyoto protocol on global warming, the treaty banning the expansion of biological weapons, the Vienna Convention on the Law of Treaties, and the treaty creating an International Criminal Court, Bush has rejected as "fatally flawed" because "the United States signed it."

According to U.S. and Russian negotiators, however, the new treaty was almost stymied over the issue of which weapons were to be included. While both sides agreed the number of "deployed strategic nuclear warheads" in each nation should be reduced from about 6,000 to 2,000, the Russians insisted the term "deployed" refer to any nuclear weapons currently in missile silos, military installations, or those "we just can't seem to find right now."

In addition, the Russians demanded that compliance be monitored by the United Nations to ensure "transparency, predictability, and no chance of being caught."

In return for U.S. concessions, Putin said he would forget to ask President Bush to initial here, here, here, and here.


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