SCIENTISTS WARN OF GLOBAL COINCIDENCE
Rising Temps, Oceans, and Greenhouse Gas Proof of Weird, Unrelated Happenings
Washington, D.C. (SatireWire.com) — Sea levels swelled, but still they doubted. Temperatures soared, but still they questioned. Glaciers disappeared, yet even so, they refused to believe. But now, the sudden disintegration of a massive Antarctic ice shelf may convinced even the most hardened skeptics that Earth truly is threatened by Global Coincidence.
"If there was before, there can be no doubt now that there is one very obvious reason why all these things are happening," said Dr. Milton Suter of the Center for Climatological Happenstance. "And that reason is: Because they are."
The numbers supporting Global Coincidence, Suter insisted, don't lie. In the last 100 years, while carbon dioxide and methane emissions have surged, the world's average land surface temperature has risen 1.0ºF, and the oceans have risen 6 to 8 inches. "For most people, that would be enough," Suter noted. "I mean, right there, all that adds up to a pretty strange coincidence."
But then, over the last month, the 800-square-kilometer Larsen B ice shelf in Antarctica fractured and collapsed. "So on top of everything else, a 500-billion-ton chunk of ice just happens to melt and break apart? Frankly, that's not just a coincidence," said Suter, "that's an incredible coincidence."
Polls show that Global Coincidence theory has long been embraced by the general public, but a handful of scientists remain skeptical. "I've seen their data, and I still wonder if perhaps there's not some kind of cause-and-effect relationship that we should be addressing," said Dr. Kathryn Burke of the Sierra Club. "I believe Global Coincidence may be one possible scenario, but we need to do more studies, including some that point to possible linkages between events, if they exist."
That kind of reaction angers Global Coincidence proponents like Dr. Christian Barstow of the World Climatic Coincidence Fund. "More studies? How long do we have to wait before these apologists realize the results are already in?" he said. "It's time to accept that Global Coincidence is very real, and that if we don't do something, it's only going to get worse.
"And also if we do do something, it's only going to get worse," he added. "That's the nature of this beast."
Intrigued by the climate studies, some scientists are now investigating the influence of Global Coincidence in a number of unexplored areas. Researchers at the U.S. State Department are using GC to separate U.S. foreign policy decisions and international reaction to U.S. foreign policy decisions. In health care, Global Coincidence has already produced startling results.
"Right now, we're looking at people who die of lung cancer, and people who smoke cigarettes, and we see that often these are the same people," said Dr. Russell Crowder of the American Tobacco Institute's new Center for Inescapably Random Occurrences. "I don't know what the odds are of those things happening independently, but they've got to be astronomical."
"That's absurd," replied Millicent Hu of the American Cancer Society. "The link between cigarettes and cancer is no more a coincidence than if I put two and two together and get four."
"Whoa, that's what happens when I put two and two together!" replied Crowder. "Freaky."
But already, detractors are becoming increasingly rare. Some credit overwhelming evidence in favor of Global Coincidence. Others point to an exchange last week at the first annual International Conference on Incredible Global Coincidence between a statistical logician and Suter of the Climatological Happenstance Center.
Logician: "Look, everything is not a coincidence. I mean, if you shoot me with a gun and I die, that's not a coincidence. You have a gun. You pull the trigger. Bang. I'm dead."
Suter: Ah, but what if I actually happen to have a gun on me right now?
Logician: Well, OK, I admit, that would be a...
After the applause died down, Suter drove home his point that there is no point in looking for a point. "All in all, the data is stunning. The British growing season is now longer than ever. The Arctic ice is considerably thinner than it was 50 years ago. The 20th Century's 10 warmest years all occurred in the last 15 years," he said. "Given that, I think I speak for everyone in the Global Coincidence community when I say, 'Wow. Go figure.'"
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