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"A U.S. Forest Service worker admitted sparking the biggest wildfire in Colorado history when she burned a letter from her estranged husband in the bone-dry Pike National Forest a week ago." — Rocky Mountain News, June 17, 2002

TERRORISTS MARRYING FOREST SERVICE WORKERS
"Incendiary Letter" Strategy Could Blacken Vast Amounts of U.S.

Washington, D.C. (SatireWire.com) — Office of Homeland Security Director Tom Ridge upped the country's alert status from yellow to bridal white today, saying terrorists were now attempting to marry U.S. Forest Service workers in hopes of eventually burning down the United States acre by acre.

Homeland Security Alert Status

In a secret memo intercepted by German police and passed on to American authorities, al Qaeda operatives have allegedly been told to wed and quickly separate from Forest Service employees, then write incendiary letters to their estranged spouses. A single well-crafted note, the terrorists believe, can blacken as much as 100,000 acres.

German authorities said they had infiltrated one so-called "matchtrimony" cell, where operatives were learning to write letters sprinkled with subtle hints meant to steer the recipients toward fulfilling the terrorists' objectives. Some missives were quite specific in their targets:

"No longer dear spouse,
My feelings for you have dried up like the San Bernardino National Forest in California. Take Interstate 15 just north of Oak Hills.
P.S. — I may have left two gallons of an accelerant in your car trunk. You had better not touch it or I will be really mad."

Other letters appeared to give the disgruntled Forest Service spouse more room to maneuver:

"Estranged one,
"Our love once stretched from the Stage 1 drought areas of the Mid-Atlantic to the Stage 3 drought areas of the southern Plains states. But now it is as dead as the miles of brittle underbrush that makes containment in any of those areas difficult. By the way, this will be the last kerosene-soaked letter you will ever get from me."

In response to the threats, Congress is already drafting legislation that would forbid Forest Service workers from marrying, and instead require them to commit their lives to Smokey the Bear.

Added U.S. President George Bush: "If we let the terrorists burn up our country and kill us all, then the terrorists have already won."


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