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BILL ALLOWS PILOTS TO CARRY GUNS;
NOW TWO THINGS IN COCKPIT WILL BE LOADED

America West Crews Can Now Pop a Cap and Top on a Cold One

Washington, D.C. (SatireWire.com) — The U.S. House of Representatives this week overwhelmingly passed a bill allowing flight crews to carry guns aboard aircraft, a measure strongly supported by pilots, who boasted they could now be both armed and loaded.

Flying high

"This legislation allows us to respond appropriately to any situation in the air, whether we're called upon to be a shooter, or just do a shooter," said America West Capt. James Greeveby.

While the flight attendant's union officially supported the bill, some members objected, arguing that guns in the cockpit would actually increase the risk of injury to the service crew.

"If we run out of vodka in first class, I have to find some more quickly or the passengers will revolt," said U.S. Air flight attendant Janet Paugh. "Normally, I just grab some from the co-pilot's stash while he's sleeping it off, but I'm not going to do it if he's packing. Unless Pete Buck is in first class. Then I'm better off facing the pilot."

The bill, now under consideration by the Senate, would allow commercial airline pilots to bring firearms on domestic and international flights. To carry weapons, however, pilots must be certified by the Transportation Security Administration, which already has begun filming a training video using real pilots to portray both hijackers and crews under attack. The filming, however, is reportedly not going well.

Take 1:
HIJACKER: "All right, this is a hijacking! Everybody out of the cockpit! Well... hold on, not everybody. Who's going to make the martinis?"
Cut

Take 23:
HIJACKER: "All right, this is a hijacking! Everybody out of the cockpit!"
PILOT: "Stand back, I've got a Magnum!"
HIJACKER: "Oh yuck, I hate champagne. Haven't you got anything else?"
Cut

Take 39:
HIJACKER: "All right, this is a hijacking! Nobody move!"
PILOT: "Stand back, I ... damn. I've used up my ammo. Jenkins, how about another round?"
CO-PILOT: "No way, it's not my round. I bought the last one."
Cut

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TSA officials conceded they will probably abandon the training video concept.

Take 55:
HIJACKER: "All right, this is a hijacking! Now, who's flying the plane?"
PILOT: "I'm your captain, Johnny Walker.
CO-PILOT: "And I'm your first officer, Jim Beam."
HIJACKER: "Bwahahaha! ... oh man, I love that one."
Cut!


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