SatireWire
   
Provider of Satire
SatireWire | dot.com.edy

 

UMTHINGS
History Tour T-Shirts and UmWear. V. Funny, V. Smart

CAMEO
Cool Estate Jewelry. Impress her for once.

PunchBowl
Throw Your Best Party Yet.

FARK.COM
It's not news, it's Drew's.

BBSPOT.COM
It's not Drew, it's Brian

Flag Hill Winery

The Angel Anthony Group
e-solutions for your business



FRENCH JUDGE GIVES TALIBAN WIN
Afghan Fighters' Artistic Impression Marks Mysteriously Higher

Salt Lake City, Utah (SatireWire.com) — Despite making what most observers agreed were "obvious technical errors," such as surrendering, the Taliban were awarded victory in the Afghanistan war last night after the French judge said they won on presentation.

Hoon and Rumsfeld
   British and American Defense Secretaries Hoon (left) and Rumsfeld cannot hide their dismay as their marks are posted.

The decision snatched triumph away from a U.S./U.K. pair who most agreed put on a magical, career-defining performance last month. It also stirred an immediate controversy, as analysts questioned how five judges — from France, Russia, China, Poland, and Ukraine — could have scored the Taliban higher than the American/British fighters.

"When the Americans and British finished, I thought, 'That's it. They've won,'" said Abdur Muhammed, a former Syrian general and now color commentator with Al Jazeera. "But when I saw the scores last night, frankly, I was embarrassed for our profession."

However, a defiant Marie-Reine Le Gougne, the French judge who marked the Taliban a 5.9 out of a possible 6.0 for artistic impression, insisted the Afghan regime was much more eloquent.

"Hiding in caves, fighting with inferior weapons, the maneuvers they attempted were clearly more difficult," said Le Gougne. "And artistically, they were much more graceful, particularly with their hands."

"But their hands primarily went up," responded CNN military color analyst Gen Wesley Clark..

"Yes, but they were very fluid movements," Le Gougne answered.

That explanation only heightened calls for reform in warfare judging, and by today, pressure was mounting on the International Warfare Union to at least declare the U.S./U.K. duo as co-winners.

Taliban leader Mullah Omar, however, defended the scoring. "I don't see what the debate is about," he said. "Victory goes to whomever pleases the judges. We fought beautifully and deserved this win."

While clearly devastated, U.S. Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld refused to be drawn into the debate. "War is subjective. It's judged," he said. "As soldiers we have to be happy that we did our best, and put this behind us."

British Defence Secretary Geoff Hoon, however, hinted the U.K. may consider retiring from war. "When you work so hard to make your dreams come true, only to have them snatched away like this, it's... it's disillusioning," said Hoon, as he buried his face in his hands. "I only hope our judges return the favor the next time France competes."

RECOMMEND
THIS PAGE

Copyright © 2002, SatireWire.

Back to Top

UmThings: we sell, um, things

 



SatireWire: dot.com.edy
SatireWire is intended for use by those age 18 and older. All stories are fictional and satirical and should not in any way be construed as fact. Please read our disclaimer. All contents Copyright © 1999-2003, SatireWire, LLC. All rights reserved.

Computer Reviews - Panic Attacks and Anxiety Disorders - Startup Ideas & Small Business Advice - Trade Suppliers Directory - Wholesale Forum - Wholesale Marketplace & Trade Suppliers - Wholesale Directory - Crazy Slots Casino