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SUN TO MERGE WITH INDIANA PARAMEDIC
Man is Second Family Member to Be Bought Out by a Tech Firm

PALO ALTO, CAL. (SatireWire.com) — In what analysts are calling an "absurdly lopsided stock-swap," Sun Microsystems announced today it will merge with Charles 'Chick' Panaroni, a 44-year-old paramedic in Fort Wayne, Indiana.

Sunaroni

Pending shareholder approval, which could prove difficult, the new company will be called Sunaroni Chick-Powered Microsystems.

According to a spokesman, Sun will exchange half of its common stock, currently valued at $170 billion, for a 90 percent stake in Mr. Panaroni, whose net worth is $57,000, according to tax records released with the announcement. Mr. Panaroni will become a wholly-owned subsidiary of Sun Microsystems but will remain in charge of himself. Other terms of the deal were not disclosed.

Analysts said they were surprised by the move but unwilling to pass judgment so soon.

"On the surface, it seems absurd," said Scott Robisch, technology analyst with Credit Suisse First Boston. "But I think we should wait until we get the answers to a few pertinent questions."

Among those questions, Robisch said, were "What the hell is (Sun CEO) Scott McNealy thinking?" "Who the hell is Charles 'Chick' Panaroni?" and, "Is McNealy off his fuckin' rock, or what?"

Meanwhile, a spokesperson for Siliconaroni Alice-Powered Graphics, a major competitor, said Sun's move was "too little, too late."

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