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SPAMTHRAX — CONTRACTING ANTHRAX VIA EMAIL
Also Information on Net Evacuation, Bayer's Production of e-Cipro

Washington, D.C. (SatireWire.com) — The FBI today did not issue an alert for electronically disseminated anthrax, also known as "spamthrax," because anthrax cannot be propagated through email. However, that will likely not stop panic-stricken thousands, who freaked after viewing the headline above, from warning friends and colleagues not to open email attachments.
yahoo site evacuated

Fearing infection, many of these same people have already spread a rumor that the Internet has been evacuated. Others, meanwhile, shut down their computers before reading even this far, and as a result they will not see the following paragraphs explaining that there is no such thing as spamthrax.

"Spamthrax? What the hell is spamthrax?" asked David Kalidis, spokesman for anti-virus software maker Symantec. "No, there is no such thing as spamthrax, so no, we will not be offering an update to address it. Who would fall for that, anyway?"

Kalidis was reminded that hundreds of thousands of people clicked on attachments that actually contained the Anna Kournikova worm.

"OK, who other than them?" Kaladis said.

Meanwhile, Bayer spokeswoman Serena Farde confirmed the pharmaceutical giant was not working on e-Cipro, a binary form of the antibiotic Cipro, because there is no product called e-Cipro, and no need to produce one. However, thousands of computer owners who saw the reference to e-Cipro in the subheadline have already bombarded Bayer with requests for the digital drug.

"I haven't checked lately, but I'm not aware of any requests," said Farde. "OK, I'll look now, but this is sil... oh God, I've got 3,000 messages. Who are these people?"

Farde was reminded that an asthmatic woman in California, fearing contamination, recently went to the emergency room. Her symptoms: shortness of breath.

"I better call a press conference," Farde sighed.

The spamthrax contagion also did not spread to Washington, where FBI director Robert Mueller said no one at the agency's National Infrastructure Protection Center was currently tracking down biocyberterrorists producing spamthrax because, he insisted, no such threat exists. "What is a biocyberterrorist?" Mueller asked. "I can't believe anyone would be stupid enough to even threaten to send anthrax by email."

Mueller was reminded that:
¤ A Canadian woman, angry at a store cashier over the price of a purchase, recently claimed the credit card she had just handed over had anthrax on it.
¤ Also that two Mississippians told onlookers that flour used to outline a road race course were actually anthrax.
¤ Also that in 1998, a California man called police and claimed anthrax was in his building, apparently in an effort to get out of work early.
¤ Also that...

"All right all right," said Mueller. "I get the point."

Mueller added that he would squash the issue with a preemptive press release declaring that anthrax cannot be spread through email — a statement that will be picked up by the media and given a headline such as "FBI Downplays Spamthrax Threat: Emails Believed to Be Safe for Now." As a result, see beginning of this story.

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