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OZONE HOLE NO LONGER GROWING;
WE'LL NOW HAVE MORE TIME TO BLOW SELVES UP

Polluters, Nuclear Proponents, Also Express New Spirit of Optimism

Washington, D.C. (SatireWire.com) — Visibly relieved NASA scientists this week announced the hole in the ozone layer is no longer expanding, an unexpectedly positive development they said should give humanity more time to blow itself up, or self-destruct using other popular methods.
what are the odds

"I don't want to be pollyannish — we must still monitor chlorine levels in the atmosphere — but we need no longer stay awake at night worrying about ultraviolet radiation," said NASA project director Stanley Freidberg. "We can now stay awake at night worrying about more present dangers, like nuclear holocaust, or the possibility of Drew Barrymore-Tom Green offspring."

Across the globe, representatives from war, pollution, and chemically intensified diseases hailed the apparent health of the ozone layer, once projected to disappear by the end of this century.

"The ozone scare put us under a lot of pressure to speed things up, but this report gives us a little breathing room," said Andrew J. Schindler, CEO of the R. J. Reynolds Tobacco Co. "Breathing room — get it? Ha ha. I kill myself."

"And you," he added.

Said Archibald Mord of the International Coal-Burning Power Plant Consortium: "This is the best news I've had since the Y2K thing turned out to be a dud. It's like we've been granted a whole new lease on ending life."

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