BUSH TO GRADS: 'I HAVE A GAS PROBLEM'
President's Attempt to Show Empathy Backfires, So to Speak
New Haven, Conn. (SatireWire.com) — President George W. Bush made a less-than-stellar return to his alma mater Saturday, where his attempt to convince Yale University graduates that he truly shared their concerns over the energy crisis unfortunately came out as "I, too, have a gas problem."
A transcript of the speech, which was cratered by verbal bombshells and cut short after the audience fled, follows:
"Graduates and students of Yale, today you are preparing to enter the world outside this world, and you are excited, as you should be. But you are also are worried because you hear we are in the middle of an energy crisis, and a gas shortage. If that's not bad enough, the media tells you that your president does not share your concerns and does not feel your pain. But that is just not true. America's problems are my problems. I feel what America feels. Therefore, I, too, have a gas problem.
Now I can already hear murmurs among you, and I'll bet I know why. Yale is a liberal institution, and many liberals don't even like to talk about gas. In fact, they would have us be ashamed of our gas. But we should not blush, nor feel compelled to say 'Pardon me,' just because we produce gas.
The truth is, we need gas, and I realize that. I feel that. I feel that when I visit factories, as I did recently in upstate New York. One was a sawmill. At the other, they package dairy products. They each employ about 50 people, and each runs on natural gas. But what if the supply of gas suddenly ran out? I'll tell you. The dairy machinery, the slicers and wrappers, would come to a halt, because to cut the cheese, you must have gas. At the sawmill, not a single log could be run through the ripper, because to let one rip, you must have gas.
For some reason, many of you are laughing right now. I gotta be honest and say that bothers me. It bothers me because a gas problem is not a laughing matter. You can't simply wave it away, or turn the other cheek. That's why I want to make sure we have enough gas now, and in the future, because I don't want to pass some gas problems on to my children, or my children's children. In that way, they too may pop the cork of prosperity.
Right now you probably see that prosperity as being threatened, particularly by high prices at our nation's gasoline pumps. And maybe you don't think I care. But I do care. I want you to know that this development is very sad, very distressing, for myself, and my vice president's self. Just yesterday, Dick Cheney came to the Oval Office, and from the look on his face, I could tell something was bothering him. I figured it was gas-related, so I told him that whatever it was, he should just let it out. He did.
Of course I can't tell you exactly what passed between us, but it was like a dark cloud descended on that room. In truth, if you had walked in right then, you would have thought someone had died. So heavy was the air with our burdens.
... I'm sorry but I just don't see what's funny about this ... who's being insensitive now... please, no more interruptions...
So now I'm sure you're thinking, "All right, he says he really has a gas problem, but he gives examples of how it affects other people. What about a sample from his own life?" Well, all right. I can share something with you that not even the media's got wind of. In fact, this one's been bubblin' up inside me for more than a month and I'll be glad to get it out. It won't be pretty, and you may not want to hear it, but here goes...
...hey, where y'all going? ... come back.... I'm not ... done...
... well why'd they run off for? ... I was just gonna to tell 'em how I pay $3.19 a gallon for the trucks out at the ranch .. You'd think I was gonna drop a bomb or something."