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``We're hard and fast on being the largest enabler of commerce on the Web. We have chosen to offer adult-oriented content as part of that.'' -- Yahoo! President Jeff Mallett, Reuters, April 11, 2001, (emphasis ours; words his).

YAHOO! SAYS PORN SALES WON'T CHANGE COMPANY,
NEW YAHOOTERS! GIRLS "JUST AN EXPERIMENT"

Girls Will Answer Your Deep, Searching Questions for Only $3.95/Minute

Palo Alto, Cal. (SatireWire.com) — Internet giant Yahoo! acknowledged reports yesterday that its shopping service is now peddling thousands of hardcore porn videos and other erotica, but stressed that a pornography mentality has not suddenly permeated the company, which remains focused on "taking on all the really big, stiff, hard challenges standing right in front of us."

NEW YAHOO! SLOGANS

· Yahorny? Yahoo!
· Yahard Yet?
· AOL Keyword: Teensluts
· Yahoo! We Got Yawhores!
· oh yes, Oh Yes, YAHOO!
  ... cigarette?
· Not Legal in Georgia
· Do Yahave the Handcuffs?
· Do You Yahoo, Or Would
  You Rather Just Fuck?

While Yahoo's recent earnings statement, which President Jeff Mallett insisted on calling the company's "money shot," suggests its banner-ad revenue model is in trouble, Mallett contended the popular portal is not secretly converting to the more lucrative porn-based model, and is not attempting to make consumers associate Yahoo! with pornography.

"Smut, hardcore, bondage, busty babes, lonely housewives, dirty debs, she-males in uniform... all of that is just not something we're obsessed about," said Mallett. "If we have a fetish, it's that we're obscenely passionate about the really big, stiff, hard challenges standing before us, and we want people to know that we're hot, eager, and ready to take them all on."

Mallett added that a company press release identifying Yahoo! as the Internet's most popular "pornal" was probably the result of a typo. However, he refused to comment on why page searches now return a page of "resluts" instead of the former "results."

Conservative groups immediately threatened to boycott Yahoo! for offering porn videos, and were further incensed by the introduction of the new Yahooters! Girls, who will personally answer visitors' "deep penetrating" questions for $7.95 for the first minute, only $3.95 per minute thereafter.

Asked what the girls will offer that site visitors can't get by searching Yahoo's extensive directory, Mallett blushed. "Let's just say they can search in areas that you didn't even know existed," he said.

In a separate statement, Yahoo! released first quarter earnings of 1 cent a share Wednesday, numbers so low, said Mallett, "they're barely legal!"

* * *

Editor's Note: Well, that didn't take long. Two days after the story breaks, Yahoo! says it will begin pulling porn from its online shelves. Suspiciously, they didn't mention what would happen with the Yahooters! Girls.

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