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JERSEY CONCRETE FIRM GETS INTERNET PAVING CONTRACT
Information Superhighway Needs Paving Like Any Highway, Say Company Associates

Hoboken, N.J. (SatireWire.com) — In a surprise move, ICANN, the Internet's governing body, announced today that NorthJerseyConcrete.com has won a bid to pave the Internet, a 10-year, $400 billion project that critics call laughable, but that ICANN insists has "suddenly become a matter of life or death."

Vin Cerf explaining the contract

Vinton Cerf, chairman of the Internet Corporation for Assigned Names and Numbers, conceded that paving the Internet might seem unusual, but said the need became "blindingly obvious" after a meeting with associates from NorthJerseyConcrete.com.

"I tripped and fell on the... the Internet," said Cerf, explaining his facial abrasions, black eye, and noticeable limp. "This is why we've also asked North Jersey Concrete to put in sidewalks. I am proof that people can get very badly hurt if this project is not fully funded."

Internet companies are expected to pay 5 percent of their annual revenues to cover project costs, said Cerf.

A subsidiary of Hoboken-based North Jersey Concrete & Waste Management, NorthJerseyConcrete.com said its involvement in the Internet was long overdue.

"It came to our attention years ago that this Information Superhighway was being built, and we were not a little aggrieved that we were not invited to participate in the grading and paving of this great highway, for which we should have been invited to participate in," said Anthony Capiello, who identified himself as a "consultant" for the firm. "When we met with ICAM (sic), they informed us that this highway in fact had no pavement or sidewalks, and did not need pavement or sidewalks. It is fortunate that our persuasions convinced them that this was not a very wise move on their part, and perhaps might be something they should reconsider."

The contract, however, raised strong objections from companies expected to pay into the highway fund, many of whom said they would not participate.

"The Internet is wires and servers and routers and switches. You can't pave it. It doesn't need sidewalks," said Cisco chief executive John Chambers. "We will not pay one cent toward this ludicrous project."

Informed of the response, Capiello said he would gladly invite Chambers to "take a little tour" of the Internet. "Certainly I would not contend that I have all the mental faculties as Mr. Chambers does in this area," said Capiello, "but perhaps he does not understand just how very big and very deep the Internet is, and how it is possible to get very, very lost in there."

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