SatireWire
   
Provider of Satire
SatireWire | dot.com.edy

 

UMTHINGS
History Tour T-Shirts and UmWear. V. Funny, V. Smart

CAMEO
Cool Estate Jewelry. Impress her for once.

PunchBowl
Throw Your Best Party Yet.

FARK.COM
It's not news, it's Drew's.

BBSPOT.COM
It's not Drew, it's Brian

Flag Hill Winery

The Angel Anthony Group
e-solutions for your business



"Saint Lucy, your beautiful name signifies light. By your intercession, obtain for me perfect vision for my bodily eyes and the grace to use them for God's greater glory. Saint Lucy, hear my prayers and obtain my petitions. Amen."
— prayer to St. Lucy, patron saint of the blind

READER PRAYERS TO SAINT ISIDORE
Send in Your Prayers to the (Potential) Patron Saint of the Internet

cross

Suffer the Web Programmer
St. Isidore, who doth abidith in the ether betwixt which our code is distributed, suffer thy lowly web programmer, that my xml may flow cleanly. Protect mine javascript, that it may not error, coddle my tables that they may not break, admonish the hackers that attack at the gates to my page. Enable my style sheets that they may work on all browsers, watch over my ASP and JSP code that it run consistently and correctly in thine eyes. Lower the expectations of mine client and raise my rates. Amen.
-- Andrew Smith, New York

Suffer the Webmaster
St. Isidore, whose bandwidth is infinite and whose load time is instantaneous, I pray to you to hear my petition. Blessed be He who maketh the great server of heaven hum, that he may also make my navigation intuitive. Blessed be the search engines, that they may give unto my site their bounty, which runneth the hit count up. Blessed be the JSP, that it may give forth dynamic content even unto the humble dial-up users. Yea, bestow thy wisdom and enlightenment upon the Marketing department, so that they may see the folly of the 3.4 megabyte flash file. Smite thee forever the three tools of evil: The blink tag that doth offend the eyes, the click-through screen that doth waste the users time, and the frames that tangle thy holy web into Satan's knot. In Jakob Nielsen's name I pray, Amen.
-- Jody Tucker, Webmaster, Dallas, Texas

Suffer the Anna Lover
Most understanding and gracious St. Isidore, who understands the needs and desires of all mankind with time on their hands, and who presideth over all jpegs, live streams and avi's, please remove from me this scourge of a worm and grant me safe access to my beloved Russian Angel, Anna Kournikova, who has appeared to me many times when I was most in need. Without your blessed intercession, I shall never feel free to click on her visage again without risking disability to my system and reprimands from my superiors after the ensuing investigation. Amen.
-- Paul Smith, Atlanta, Ga.

Suffer the Usenetter
Oh binary free St. Isidore, whose teachings are always X-No-Archive: no. I behold the day you post, cruel both with wrath and fierce anger, to lay the land outside Alt desolate, and destroy the spammers thereof out of it. I pray that the HTML top posters be seated on the left side of God, and that the rapture whisk away the creationists, WebTV witnesses, and those who pray at the AOL church of our sweet Jesus. Amen.com
-- Jeandré, Cape Town, South Africa

Suffer Tech Support
Compassionate Saint Isadore, who created a work filled with knowledge and information, grant those who would call their Technical Support with a thousand foolish questions, the ability to RTFM (Read The F***** Manual). If this miracle of miracles is not possible (I asked Saint Anthony -- he's still laughing), then please grant me the ability to reach down the phone line to punch some small amount of... um... Amen
-- Peter Gray, Wellington, New Zealand

priest

Suffer Those In Need of Tech Support
Sweet St Isidore, you hear the "hold music" and messages at Tech Support that we wait through so patiently. Please reveal to the high and mighty tech support people that we HAVE read the crappy manual that is written for kindergartners and it DOESN'T solve the problem. We who have waited through reminders that we can get help by logging onto the Users Newsgroup beseech you to get us though to a Level 3 without having to talk to a poor soul who leads us through the Valley of the Shadow of Clearing the Cache one more time! And one more thing - could you make my NIC talk to the Speedstream so I can get back online with my DSL?
-- Sticks (that's the name we got)

Suffer the 1337
Wise and benevolent St. Isidore, whose works helped to make the foolish learned, grant me the ability to effectively frighten the ignorant, and number among those competent in H4><0Ring, and the clarity of mind to write for hours using near-illegible numbers and symbols. 4M3N.
-- Alexander Kyras, Las Vegas, USA

Suffer the TeenyBop Chatter
Oh way cool Saint Isidore. Bring me the power of mind to truly make a difference in this great, great, hormone-crazed chatroom. Enfuse the holy spirit to come to me, and allow me to remember the phone numbers of all the middle-aged twice divorced sex-crazed forty year olds who are hitting on me. Give me the speed and dexterity to type those three heavenly and excessively annoying letters (lol) in situations that would make any non-hormone crazed observer want to regurgitate the contents of his previous meal. Thanks for the sout out! Amen
-- Anonymous teenybopper, Bel Air, Maryland

mary

Suffer the Windows User
Most erudite St Isidore, intercede for me, that the writers of Windows Help may be done unto even as they have done unto us. Thus may they suffer the torment of being told only that which is blindingly obvious, while the really interesting and useful questions remain unanswered to the end of time. And could they be made to understand that even persons of great calm can become raging psychopaths when cheerily informed that "It looks as if you are writing a letter"? Amen.
-- Amanda Kvalsvig, Bristol, UK

Suffer the Linux User
Oh saint Isidore, protect us from kernel patches which rob our extended uptime, uplift the unpaid (and yet, it is assumed, highly intelligent and skilled) developers who created my buggy user interface and deliver unto us our Windows Refunds. And should I find, then, a program that will actually run under my highly specialised and personalized kernel, help me to find my way through the volumes of poorly written obfuscated GPL documentation that I might compile the byte code. In Perl we pray, Amen. #ENDDEF
-- Matthew Mark Miller

Send your Internet prayers to St. Isidore to editors@satirewire.com and we'll post the "good" ones.

Back to MAIN STORY

RECOMMEND
THIS PAGE

Copyright © 2001, SatireWire.

Back to Top

UmThings: we sell, um, things

 



SatireWire: dot.com.edy
SatireWire is intended for use by those age 18 and older. All stories are fictional and satirical and should not in any way be construed as fact. Please read our disclaimer. All contents Copyright © 1999-2003, SatireWire, LLC. All rights reserved.

Computer Reviews - Panic Attacks and Anxiety Disorders - Startup Ideas & Small Business Advice - Trade Suppliers Directory - Wholesale Forum - Wholesale Marketplace & Trade Suppliers - Wholesale Directory - Crazy Slots Casino