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MAD COWS USE CELL PHONES
Researchers Claim Discovery Solves Mystery Disease

Kent, England (SatireWire.com) — In another blow to the cellular industry, British scientists studying Mad Cow disease claim to have discovered the source of the mysterious affliction after catching a pair of Friesian Holsteins chatting away on mobile phones, which also have been linked to eye cancer and brain dysfunction.

Cow caught using cell phone

"We knew mobile phones were dangerous, and we knew cows were intrigued by wireless technology, but when we saw them using the mobiles, we made the connection right away," said lead researcher Kevin Barrington, who spotted the culprits at a dairy farm outside Kent. Listening in on the conversation, Barrington said he never heard the cows utter a word. "Bloody typical cell phone user," he noted. "Nothing to say."

Cell phone manufacturers — already plagued by studies connecting cell phones to cancers and brain abnormalities — immediately dismissed the British claims. "To even insinuate that cell phones could somehow be the cause of this disease is as absurd as the notion that cows could use cell phones at all," said Nokia spokesperson Nigel Wanthorpe. However, after being shown a photograph (at right) taken by researchers, Wanthorpe demurred. "Dear God in Heaven," he said, "what have we done?"

John Ashton, who runs a cattle operation outside Essex, admitted that like many farmers, he has been using cell phones to communicate with his herd for years. "Mostly I'd ring 'em up to tell 'em when it was time to come in for the slaughter," he explained. "I'd say, 'ello, Melissa? You and Elsie and Camille come in so's I can stun you into a stupor an' slit your throats, awright?' Saved me time 'aving to round 'em up, and I didn't 'ave look in those big brown eyes."

However, once Ashton learned of the connection to the disease, he took the phones away. "That was not at all pleasant," he added. "With all due respect, I don't think you 'ave really seen a mad cow until you take away its mobile."

Prior to the discovery, scientists had theorized that Mad Cow, or bovine spongiform encephalopathy, was caused by mutated proteins called prions, or possibly by widespread tobacco use. Tobacco was ruled out as a suspect last year, however, after a study found that while cigarette smoking among cows had dropped 45 percent from 1995 to 2000, incidents of BSE had recently increased.

The cell phone diagnosis, however, gives victims and cattle farmers hope that the disease can be treated by prohibiting livestock from using cellular technology, and that they can now sue the burgeoning wireless industry ex puga amplus, which is a legal term for half a million pounds.

British Agriculture Minister Nick Brown, meanwhile, lashed out at the cows for further endangering the community by not using hands-free devices.

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