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SCREW TRADITION, LET'S SPEND THIS THANKSGIVING ONLINE
A Public Service Message from the Online Chamber of Commerce

KANSAS CITY, MO. (SatireWire.com) — Let's be honest. The traditional Thanksgiving is a 96-hour nightmare. Overcrowded highways with their jack-knifed tractor-trailers. Sales-engorged department stores with their greedy, grasping shoppers. Bulkhead-bursting airplanes teeming with palsy-eyed passengers who reek of freshly belched Yorkshire pudding.

So this Thanksgiving, let's start a new tradition. Let's all stay home and stay online.

All 96 hours. Everybody. Forget the malls, the airports, and your bloody neurotic sister-in-law and her bloody Cheetoh-bloated kids.

Instead, spend the weekend away from the crowds and the stench. Spend Thanksgiving at home, online, basking in the warm glow of your monitor and the love of thousands of dependable e-tailers who would love for you to drop in. And as for the annual "traditional" trek to Grandma's, well, trust us when we say it won't matter.

The truth is, Grandma doesn't really want to see you.

All right, she doesn't like you; never has.

But the Internet, the Internet loves you, always has. The Internet is your real family, and it always will be. So why wouldn't you spend the holiday with your real family? Why wouldn't you spend your precious time right here, online, with the people who really need you, the people who "really" like you. The people, that is, who are unlike everyone else you're going to run into this weekend.

Including your spouse.

Sorry, but we thought you should hear it from a friend.

And we are friends. That's why we want you to come spend Thanksgiving with us. Online. On the Internet — the new Thanksgiving tradition.

This message is a public service of the Online Chamber of Commerce.

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