SCIENTISTS SAY NET HAS MADE WORLD SMALLER
Humans, Living in Stacks, Crushed on Only Plot of Land Left

MALMSTEN, SWEDEN (SatireWire.com) — The clichés about how the Internet has brought people together and made the world smaller turn out to be true, say Swedish researchers, who reported today that Earth is now just 19 miles across, and that its 6 billion inhabitants are stacked 842-high on a piece of land the size Bimini.

"It's a small world after all," said Lars Magnussen, the report's lead scientist. "It's a small world after all. It's a small world after all. It's a small...small... world."

According to the report, the increasingly networked world has delivered as promised, erasing borders, fusing once disparate peoples and ideologies, and even bringing down language barriers. As a result, Earth, once some 24,000 miles in diameter, has contracted an astonishing 99.9 percent since 1994, when Netscape launched.

In addition, the thousands of cultures once present across the globe have merged until only four ideologically headstrong groups are recognizable: the Israelis, the Palestinians, Napster users, and the French.

As for the future, scientists estimate Earth will shrivel to just 2.6 miles across by 2003 if AOL makes headway in Latin American and Europe, and just 0.9 miles if Yahoo! succeeds in Asia. Should that happen, the human stacks -- what the French insist be called Les Staque Humain -- will rise 90.2 million high on a strip of land the size of a Wal-Mart parking lot.

Magnussen suggested the best way to avoid suffocation on the growing piles is to climb aboard a helicopter and fly around for as long as you can.

Copyright © 2000, SatireWire.

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