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"Jesse Jackson is enlisting the aid of fellow clergymen to preach the gospel of Wall Street to their flocks to help them save and invest their way to economic equality. He persuaded the New York Stock Exchange to conduct a week-long seminar on investing for ministers ... the first class of 40 clergymen graduated last week." -- Barron's, 5/29/00

NEW ECONOMY CLERGY LONG ON JESUS,
SHORT ON CONSUMER NON-CYCLICALS

Preachers Take to the Bully (Market) Pulpit

ATLANTA, GA. (SatireWire.com) — The following sermon was delivered at the Calvary Baptist Church, Atlanta, Ga., by the Rev. James Arnell, the first valedictorian of the New York Stock Exchange's School of Economic Salvation:


Brothers and sisters, let me ask you a question. Are you long on Jesus?

I see many of you don't know what I'm asking. That's all right. It's a stock market term. When you think a stock will go down, you are short that stock. If you think it will rise, you are long that stock. Well, when I say I'm long on Jesus, that means I believe in Jesus. I'm invested in Jesus. He's going up, and I hope one day to go up with Him!

(amen)

So let me ask you again, are you long on Jesus?

(oh yes)

That's good. Because I think if Jesus were here today, He'd want you to be thinking about your financial future. He's interested in your financial future, yes He is. As long as you believe in Him, as long as you are long Him, He wants you to prosper. And through His life, He let's us know that.

Just think for a moment. What was Jesus doing from the moment He arrived? He was laying the pipe that would one day connect all people to God! Yes he was. And oh, His was a mighty pipe. A big, fat pipe! He was a veritable T-3 of salvation!

(amen!)

He was out there increasing the bandwidth!

(that's right)

He believes in increasing the bandwidth!

(yes he does)

Which is why we like Worldcom in the $40s, particularly now that the Sprint merger looks dead.

(glory be)

And after He ascended, did he forget about that pipe? Did He just cut us off? No! We still access Him through prayer. And what is prayer? It's a transmission; a very special transmission, for it does not depend on wires or things of this Earth. No! Brothers and sisters, when we pray to God, we are sending a wireless signal into the heavens.

(that's right)

Jesus is wireless!

(amen!)

Prayer is wireless!

(amen!)

Phone.com is wireless! And with projected 160 percent annual revenue growth, is a screaming buy at $80.

(hallelujah!)

And we would short Excite@Home here.

(okay)

But Reverend, you might say, 160 percent growth makes for a strong and mighty player. Didn't the Lord say the meek shall inherit the Earth? Well yes He did. And I have often wondered what He meant, but just this morning, as I sat in my office checking my e-mail, I could not help but notice my new personal digital assistant. How small it was, I thought. How tiny it was, I marveled. And then it hit me: This was the meek.

(uh-huh)

This was the future.

(oh yes)

Praise the meek!

(Amen)

Praise the PDA!

(that's right)

Praise Palm, Inc., but only at dips into the teens. Otherwise you might want to look at Handspring.

(not for the risk-averse!)

Finally, before you leave here today, I want you to make me a promise. Don't let your material wealth destroy your spiritual health.

(no no)

Promise me you'll be long on Jesus!

(we do)

Promise me you'll short Satan!

(we will)

Promise me you'll reduce your exposure to consumer non-cyclicals, which may fare better as the economy turns down but currently exhibit weak fundamentals!

(we're calling our brokers!)

Oh, it's a glorious day. Can I hear an amen?

(amen)

Can I hear an amen?

(Amen!)

Can I hear an Amgen, whose current price we don't feel adequately reflects the promising phase 3 clinical trials of abarelix-depot-M?

(Amgen, whose current price we don't feel adequately reflects the promising phase 3 clinical trials of abarelix-depot-M.)

Go forth and prosper.


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SatireWire is intended for use by those age 18 and older. All stories are fictional and satirical and should not in any way be construed as fact. Please read our disclaimer. All contents Copyright © 1999-2003, SatireWire, LLC. All rights reserved.

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