SATIREWIRE'S 2ND ANNUAL POETRY SLAM...ER...SPAM
The Rules, the Particulars, the Finely Crafted Print

INTRO PAGE 2001 Winners STRICTLY SPAM STRICT RUNNER-UP FREESTYLE FREE RUNNER-UP 2000 Winners STRICTLY SPAM FREESTYLE SatireWire Poems THIS IS NOT SPAM! SPAM RAP GIZA WHY DON'T YOU TRUST ME? CONTEST RULES

Yes, you could win prizes. Not great big prizes, and odds are you won't win anyway, but theoretically it could happen. Certainly, someone will win. And all they have to do is write a poem using phrases from Spam, or write a poem about Spam, and email them in by midnight EST on Dec. 31, 2001.

Entries should be emailed to: editors@satirewire.com. Please see contest rules below for instructions, and don't forget the FAQ at bottom.

Winning entries, and those of selected runners-up, will be posted on SatireWire. All authors will be credited.

PRIZES

¤ 1st Place, "Strictly Spam": two SatireWire T-shirts, one each SatireWire hat, coffee mug, and mousepad.
¤ 2nd Place, "Strictly Spam": one T-shirt and a hat.
¤ 1st Place, "Freestyle": two SatireWire T-shirts, one hat, and a mousepad.
¤ 2nd Place, "Freestyle": two T-shirts and a hat.
¤ Third place gets nothing. And fourth place is even worse!

CONTEST RULES

¤ All entries should be sent to editors@satirewire.com and should be PASTED INTO EMAILS! DO NOT SEND ATTACHMENTS. Any entry sent as an attachment will be discarded unread.
¤ For "Strictly Spam" category: your entry must use actual phrases (hopefully recognizable phrases) from actual Spam email (a.k.a. unsolicited email).
¤ For "Freestyle" category: your entry does not have to include actual phrases from Spam, but must be a poem about Spam. Poems about the Janus family of mutual funds, or Harry Potter, will not be considered.
¤ By submitting your entry, you are granting SatireWire, LLC, the right to use your submission in perpetuity in any current and/or future forms of media. You can use it too, of course. It's just that we get the rights to it to do with as we please. Like if we wanted to put it on the site, or print it out and shape it into a hat, or whatever.
¤ Winners in each category cannot be the same person, so keep that in mind. You may submit as many entries as you like, but you can't win more than one prize. It's also true that the more entries you submit, the more entries of yours will be losers. If you have self-esteem issues, this is probably something to consider.
¤ SatireWire employees and their relatives are not eligible.

CONTEST FAQ:

Q: Does a poem have to rhyme?
A: No. But it would definitely be cool.

Q: How long should my entry be?
A: It's not length that counts. At least not in poetry. In everything else, it makes a big difference.

Q: Any tips, pointers, marital aids?
A: Yes. Don't just throw together a bunch of spam lines and submit it. Be creative, thematic, unusual. And funny. And though it may not seem like it, spam emails are not just about sex, so spam poems can be about more than just sex.

Q: Do I get to choose what T-shirts, mugs I win?
A: Absolutely. You can see current choices at http://www.cafepress.com/satirewire/. But remember, most of you reading this won't win, so you should go ahead and buy these items now.

Q: If I win, do I have to say I'm going to Disneyland?
A: Yes.

Q: When the English say "Darby and Joan," what are they talking about?
A: According to the British/American Language Dictionary, (by Norman Moss), Darby and Joan are the archetypal elderly, married couple. There are many Darby and Joan clubs in many localities. We're not sure why.

Q: How frequently does a question need to be asked to be considered a Frequently Asked Question?
A: Seven times in the United States and 11 in Canada. The European Union is considering a common number of five, but Great Britain refuses to comply and insists on using its own number, six. China does not allow questions except in Hong Kong.

Q: Thucydides?
A: Theocritus.

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