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SatireWire Feature

POLICE ACCUSED OF CORPORACIAL PROFILING
New York, N.Y. — Statistically, David Bates had all the earmarks of a potential criminal: he was well-groomed, between the ages of 35 and 55, drove a luxury car, wore a suit, smiled at odd times, and said very little of substance. He was, in short, a likely corporate executive, and to police, that was reason enough.  More...

MEN DO TALK ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS
New Haven, Conn. — According to a new study, young women speak more frequently and frankly about sex and sex-related subjects than men do. But this isn't true. Men speak about sex and relationships all the time. It's just in code.  More...

HUMANS INSIST THEY ARE NOT DUMBER THAN RICE
Many Believed to Be Correct

San Diego, Calif. — Word that genetic researchers have discovered a cell of rice contains more genes than a human cell has caused widespread outrage as people across the globe attempt to prove that humans are easily as smart as a grain of rice.  More...

SATIREWIRE POETRY SPAM WINNERS!
(AND LOSERS)

New Haven, Conn. — Well, we had more than 600 entries for SatireWire's 2nd Annual Poetry Spam, (goal: to make poems out of phrases from spam), and now that the contest has ended and the judges have decided, that can only mean one thing: We had more than 600 losing entries! But some people had to win, and somehow, they did.  More...

THE SOU'WESTER ALLIANCE:
AFGHANISTAN'S FORGOTTEN WARRIORS

Zaranj, Afghanistan — As the dust and smoke of battle settles across Afghanistan, all eyes have turned to the triumphant Northern and Eastern alliances, but there is another Afghani confederation whose contributions have been all but lost in the proverbial fog of war. These are the poor, proud tribesmen in bright yellow slickers and waterproof hats, turned up at the brim, of the Sou'wester Alliance. They are Afghanistan's forgotten warriors.  More...

"YOU MUST SATISFY YOUR QUEEN,"
AND FURTHER WISDOM FROM THE ANIMALS

Zoo Atlanta — Nations are at war. Economies are weak. Male strippers have officially entertained the Queen Mother. Can the animals help us understand where we've gone wrong?  More...

SATIREWIRE'S HOLIDAY CARDS:
SATIRICAL. IMPERSONAL. PERFECT.

New Haven, Conn. — Have you failed to get your cards out yet, or do you know someone whom you don't really like enough to bother sending a card via postal mail? Then check out SatireWire's holiday cards. They're the impersonal choice. We even have Hanukkah covered.  More...

ENTERPRISE CREW SPLIT OVER VIOLATING PRIME
DIRECTIVE, INTERVENING TO SAVE EARTH FROM ITSELF

In Stationary Orbit — Disturbed by ruthless terrorist attacks and talk of war, the crew of the starship Enterprise, which has been stealthily orbiting Earth since August, is reportedly torn over whether to violate Star Fleet's Prime Directive and intervene in Earth affairs, or gather for drinks in the forward observation lounge and watch the planet go to shit.  More...

BUSH TO GRADS: "I, TOO, HAVE A GAS PROBLEM"
New Haven, Conn. — President George W. Bush made a less-than-stellar return to his alma mater recently, where his attempt to convince Yale University graduates that he truly shared their concerns over the energy crisis unfortunately came out as "I, too, have a gas problem."  More...

LOVING CARE FOR THE TECHNICALLY SPARE
For family members, it is often the most difficult and painful decision they will face: to accept that a loved one — a parent, a spouse, perhaps a sibling — is technologically incompetent and should no longer be allowed to live independently, or come near a computer without direct supervision. The time has come to place that loved one into the permanent care of an Assisted Computing Facility.  More...

CEO DREAM DATES
New York, N.Y. — We approached a dozen Fortune 500 CEOs and asked them to describe their "fantasy dates" with one (or more?) of their Fortune 500 colleagues. The responses were definitely not business as usual.  More...

THE PRODIGAL.COM SON RETURNS
If your son were one of those... those dot-commers, how would you feel?  More...

Mr. Clickwell Reports
WEB SITE FASHIONS FOR SPRING: IT'S ALL ABOUT PRETTY
San Jose, Cal. — Catch me in a pan I'm melting! It's been a long, cold Winter for the fashion conscious, but if this week's Spring SiteWear Show is any indication, the frigid, function-over-form mood that's dominated Web site design is finally defrosting. From Google to Microsoft to ESPN.com, this Spring the message is: "Let's just be pretty."  More...

OY, YOU NEVER VISIT YOUR MOTHER'S WEB SITE
Miami, Fla. — I'm thinking of divorcing your father. Oh, you didn't know that, Mr. I-have-no-time-for-the-woman-who-bore-me-and-taught-me-HTML? Well, if you ever bothered to drop by your mother's web site, just once in a while, spare just a few of your precious surfing minutes, you'd know that. It was in my weblog from last week.  More...

EXECUTIVE ROAD TRIP: MY NIGHT WITH BILL GATES
Washington, D.C. — Bill Gates and I drive along E Street in my rented Corolla, past renovated apartment buildings and upscale shops sandwiched between old government buildings. I am here, in the U.S. capital, to interview him, but so far, things aren't going as planned. Instead, Bill Gates has his mind set on doing something, and I don't know what it is.  More...

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THE INTERNET YEAR IN REVIEW
New Haven, Conn. — Do you remember a time when Napster was going to change the world, and the Microsoft trial was almost entertaining? Remember when Priceline was a $90 stock? Or even a $10 stock? How about $2? We didn't either, but after extensive research, SatireWire is proud to bring you "The Internet Year that Was," a blatantly revisionist reminiscence that promises to be really painful if you're still holding Fogdog.com.  More...

SALLY STRUTHERS ASKS YOU TO SAVE THE DOT-COMS
New York, N.Y. — Right now, all over the world, dot-coms are hurting. They are suffering from cash-flow shortfalls. They lack earnings and even the most basic of revenue models. All that is needed is someone who will look into the eyes of a needy dot-com and say, 'Yes, I will help.' Someone like you.  More...

MR. CLICKWELL'S WORST DRESSED WEB SITES
New Haven, Conn. (SatireWire.com) — And now, just in time for the Fall, caustic site design critic Mr. Clickwell reviews the biggest sites on the Internet and finds their Web wardrobes (gasp!) wanting. From AOL ("Three words: Red, White, and Bloated") to eBay ("This site is a bowling shirt come to life"), Mr. Clickwell spares no one.  More...

HOW TO SPOT A FAKE PRESS RELEASE
New Haven, Conn. (SatireWire.com) — Investors learned a brutal lesson when a false press release sent stock in data networking company Emulex down more than 50 percent. In an effort to help you spot a potential hoax, SatireWire has chosen a press release at random from Internet Wire, and red flagged comments that should tip you off that something is seriously wrong.  More...

DOT-COM REFUGEES: LIFE IN CAMP ALPHA
Near Emeryville, Cal. (SatireWire.com) — Since the fall of Internet stocks began in April, former dot-com employees, forced from their jobs, have made their way to Dot-Camp Alpha, a makeshift settlement on a barren hillside in Silicon Valley. Despite its lack of even the most basic facilities — plumbing, air hockey, on-site masseuse — the camp has swelled to nearly 5,000 lost souls. SatireWire editor Treat Warland reports from the front.  More...

"THE CLICK SENSE" — BOY SEES DEAD DOT-COMS
San Jose, Cal. (SatireWire.com) — After months of therapy, an 8-year-old Silicon Valley boy revealed today that he can see dead dot-coms everywhere, an experience that has left him paralyzed with fear, caused his classmates to call him "freak," and given him the idea for a major motion picture.  Read the screenplay!

CLICK HERE FOR BUSTY BRAHMS
On the Internet (SatireWire.com) — Web pages containing the phrase "I love money" outnumber those containing the phrase "I love Monet" by 140-to-1. For every page where someone has mentioned a conversation with physicist Stephen Hawking, there are 138 pages expressing a desire for sex with Britney Spears. But does this mean the Web is little more than a new media Gomorrah dedicated to the lowest common denominator? Yeah, pretty much.  More...

PROSTIDOTS: STARTUPS SELL THEMSELVES CHEAP
Mountain View, Cal. (SatireWire.com) — They are young, quite often attractive, and down on their luck. Desperate for money, they are forced to sell themselves for whatever they can get. They are the latest Internet startups, the prostidots.  More...

"DUN PUFFERS" TAKE OVER VALLEY
Palo Alto, Cal. (SatireWire.com) — Ariel Nemoka, 22, saunters along Ramona Street in the twilight, staring in a handheld mirror at the dark, puffy circles under her eyes and talking about her plastic surgeon. "God, look at these giant bags he gave me," she says. "Isn't it great?"  More...

E=MC²: QUANTUM CONSUMER THEORY
Cambridge, England (SatireWire.com) — Why do Americans consume so much? What do glazed doughnuts have to do with the Internet's rapid growth and sudden upheaval? Why do small people accidentally walk into Big and Tall shops? Researchers point to a revolutionary, and insulting, theory.  More...

THE RETURN OF e.e. commerce
New Haven, Conn. (SatireWire.com) — When e.e. commerce last released a collection of poems, the NASDAQ was at 5,000, profits were an unnecessary evil, and e-commerce was a respected business model. Times have changed, but where others see enclosing darkness, the Poet Laureate of the Internet continues to see only endless promise.  More...

DID MICROSOFT HIDE MESSAGE IN 'OPEN LETTER'?
Redmond, Wash. (SatireWire.com) — Last week, Microsoft published an "open letter" stating its case for keeping the company whole. It seemed a wholly unremarkable statement — Microsoft good; breakup bad redux — but was there more to it? SW put its decryption team to work, and discovered a cleverly-hidden, and unnerving, message.  More...

INTERVIEW WITH THE SEARCH ENGINE
Emeryville, Cal. (SatireWire.com) — An exclusive, penetrating, and highly frustrating interview with Jeeves of Ask.Jeeves.com, who explains how the Internet is somewhat like a non-arthritic New Zealand bee.  More...

e.e. commerce: POET LAUREATE OF THE INTERNET
New Haven, Conn. (SatireWire.com) — At eToys, it is said, chief executive Toby Lenk keeps a copy of the searching, evocative i:opt:in stapled to his chest. At Amazon.com, CEO Jeff Bezos has wept openly while reading the heart-rending fulfillmentness to new company employees. And at AOL, Steve Case reportedly hired Barry White to record the inspirational i e therefore i am so he could listen to the poem on his way to work each day. More...

DENIAL-OF-SERVICE: THE REAL VICTIMS
Emeryville, Cal. (SatireWire.com) — Yes, the rash of Denial-of-Service attacks has done some damage to Internet companies, and sure, they made life a tad more difficult for a few employees. But astonishingly, the true victims of these heinous assaults continue to be ignored, even by those whose job it is to care and nurture them. In a special, confrontational interview with a Yahoo! technical administrator, The FNwire defends the site servers: Forgotten Heroes of the Firing Line. (Warning: readers may find some responses unforgivably disturbing.) More...

NATION'S FIRST 'LOW-STRESS' CASINO ARRIVES
Lake Benton, Minn. (SatireWire.com) — A chorus of satisfied sighs wafted across the endless fields and farms of this southwest Minnesota town yesterday as the nation's first "low-stress" gambling casino opened its sky-blue doors for business. Run by a group of former Montessori teachers, the Sighing Pines Casino & Picnic Grove shuns racier games such as black jack and roulette in favor of more comfortable diversions, such as Go Fish, Tic-Tac-Toe, and Heads or Tails. More...

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