BUSINESS GIFTS FOR BUSINESS PEOPLE
Wake Up with the Smellarm Clock; Wear "Shoot Howard Next!" and Save Yourself
NEW HAVEN, CONN. (SatireWire.com) — Businesspeople are impossible to shop for. That's why no one likes them. SatireWire, however, has come to the rescue. From Red Man Stick underarm tobacco to "Shoot Howard Next!" OfficeWear, the gifts on this list could save a colleague's life or his job, but will probably just make him smell bad.
Red Man Stick
How long has it been since you had a cigarette at work? Not outside or in some dingy, designated area, but right at your desk? Too long, we'll wager. Sure, you could try the patch, but that requires a prescription. And nicotine gum, like chewing tobacco, goes in your mouth — very unprofessional. But now, the folks who brought you the smokeless solution, Red Man Chewing Tobacco, bring you Red Man Stick, the underarm tobacco that glides on smooth and leaves you all-day nicotine fresh. It's like putting a pinch between your pits. And best of all, no one will know but you.
($3.99; also in aerosol spray. No CFCs!)
Nerf Downsizer Blaster®
At many Internet firms, layoffs have become as much a part of office culture as foosball and Nerf-aided playtime, which is why this unique product is ideal for the dot-com manager loathe to make hierarchical personnel decisions. Unlike traditional, soft Nerf ammunition, the Nerf Downsizer shoots actual .44 caliber bullets (albeit in fun orange, green, and yellow colors), enabling employees to arbitrarily blow away colleagues as they blow off steam. If your company prides itself on a horizontal management structure, the Nerf Downsizer is the egalitarian solution.
($39.95. PinkSlip® Toe Tags sold separately.)
MyBlackBox®
Frequent business travelers know that nothing is quite so frustrating as dying in a plane crash. But it's no less frustrating for colleagues back at the office who will never see those final notes you made about that important project. MyBlackBox can't save you from being ripped to shreds or burned to a crisp, but it can save your work. Made of an unbreakable, flame-resistant titanium alloy, the box plugs into your laptop or PDA and records everything you do during your flight. It even records your passwords to pass along to colleagues! Remember, once God ignores your prayers and you die, you're just a box of ashes. But your work lives on.
($299.95, or free with a set of Firestone tires.)
Chief ExecutivEscort
If you want to impress in today's business world, you don't need a beautiful blonde or handsome hunk on your arm, you need the CEO of an Internet company. It's a sure-fire way to get people talking and spreading rumors about who you are and what you're up to. Historically, this has been no easy task, but now you're in luck. Today, there are literally hundreds of Internet company founders and CEOs out of work, and dozens more are being forced out each week. Chief ExecutivEscort, (formerly Klassy Kat Escort Service), will hook you up with one of these temporarily sidelined players. Now, when someone approaches and asks, "What are you up to?," you can nod at your escort, who has been trained to respond, "I'm sorry, but Gates asks us that every day and we won't tell him either."
(Very discreet, $500 per hour; $700 with optional non-disclosure agreement.)
"Shoot Howard Next!" OfficeWear
How many times has this happened to you: you're sitting at your desk when in walks a disgruntled ex-employee, armed to the semi-automatic teeth, who begins shooting at random? Now you can avoid danger by donning "Shoot Howard Next!" OfficeWear. Just because a gunmen is "crazed" doesn't mean he's not open to suggestion, especially if that suggestion is in sync with his purpose. Since most offices have someone named Howard, wearing a "Shoot Howard Next!" blouse, dress shirt or T-shirt might present the assailant with a doable short-term goal, and give you time to escape.
(T-shirt: $19.95; Dress Shirt: $49.95; Blouse: $69.95. Also available in "Shoot Bob," "Shoot Kirsten," and "Shoot Phil in Marketing.")
Renomizer 1.0
Even though studies have shown that personal Internet use at the office does not hinder production, employers tend frown on surfing at work, particularly when sexually graphic sites are frequented. That's why Adobe has released the Renomizer 1.0. When your boss approaches, simply click the Renomizer icon - or activate the wireless remote -- and the software automatically converts all .gif and .jpg images displayed by your browser into images of Janet Reno. Alternate use: install it on a friend's computer and scare the pants back on him!
($49.95; Great for men who have overdosed on Viagra, too.)
Smellarm Clock
You've tried alarms that beep, ding, buzz or turn on the radio, but nothing works. Now, Smell-o-vision and Sunbeam offer a breakthrough in wake technology, the Smellarm Clock, with the patented ScentScale Odor Interface. With 100 different odors, the Smellarm Clock automatically detects when your sense of smell is ignoring its alarm, and "turns up the volume" by releasing increasingly malodorous aromas. You'll literally be forced to flee your room from scent No. 17, burning hair; No. 45, skunk, or; No. 88, Slobodan Milosevic. And even if you try to ignore scent No. 100, your roommates will undoubtedly rouse you with a cheery, "Man, wake up, your room smells like shit."
($99.95; $39.95 for additional scent cartridges)
